The Ride of Life

Dear Chad,

Life is pretty crazy with what it can throw at you. Some days for me are the worst days of my life, while others couldn’t get any better…

Today is one of those days where I don’t believe things could get a whole lot better. I just kind of woke up this way, and I like it. The past couple of days were super rough, however that darkness has passed and I can rest easy until next time.

This is my life and it always has been. I don’t know what days will be good and what days will be bad. I never know when something will trigger my next dark journey, or how long those feelings will last. What I do know is when good days are here, I must enjoy them to the fullest. I try not to take them for granted when they come around, but instead embrace them and welcome them to stay.

I have amazing people in my life that care and understand about how crazy I can become at times, and when my mind is clear, I appreciate them. When my mind is dark, I feel for them.

Last night I spent a few hours with my wonderful girlfriend who really helps me through these things. She cares, she understands, and she is willing to help…even if she is the one that triggered my emotions. She helps me to keep my feet on the ground, and for that I am thankful.

I don’t like having dark days, but not matter what I try, nothing seems to be able to stop it. I try to always remain optimistic for the days ahead, but sometimes that seems damn well near impossible.

One of my biggest stresses I have been surrounded by the past three months was my job. I hated every minute of it. I dreaded going into work, I stressed the entire time I was there, and I always felt drained after leaving. Even on my days off, I just thought about having to eventually go back. Two days ago I decided to leave that place and go back to an old job that once made me happy. A job that keeps my mind busy and I enjoy doing.

I think with the support of my girlfriend, my friends, my family, and my job change…things will start to get better. Here is to being hopeful of a positive and bright future!

  • Chad

Sail

Maybe I’m a different breed. It is in that thought that I find myself comforting. I don’t know how to show my love because I no longer know how to feel. It’s as if I am an empty shell left here just to wander and never truly evolve. I have always believed that there is good comfort in company, however even in those situational moments I still feel lost, dark, and alone.

Once I was an avid believer of hope and prosperity through strength, hard work, and determination, however it is now hard to see that. The whole entire world around me has become clouded and blurry. Even simple daily tasks have become near impossible for me. I feel as if I can somewhat see to the other side, however it is too hard to make out the fine details. Is everything there really better or will I still yet be surrounded by a glooming world of dismay?

16737569732_416d8cfca7_kThis is how I feel to the world. I believe that I am here but it is so hard to see I don’t feel it. This is why sleep has become so addicting because it allows me to feel again. When I dream, I dream lucidly and vividly as if my dreams have become my own realities. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is not.

If I could only pinpoint the problem(s) that caused this empty and delusional state, I may stand a fighting chance at fixing it, but until then I’m open for options.

Perhaps I have set my standards too high. Perhaps trying to make a difference in the world is something out of my league, or perhaps I just have not pushed far enough yet.

The only problem with continuing forward in my journey to find happiness, balance and composure is I don’t what else I will loose. What else I am willing to loose. It feels as if I have pushed everything and everyone so far away from me that maybe, I don’t have anything else to loose. Maybe continuing down this path is the only thing I have left to look forward to. As accomplished as I have been in the past, none of that matters to where I am now or where I am going because as of right now, I am going nowhere. I simply remain here, stagnant, because I nor the world know where I am meant to be.

– Chad

And the City Will Burn

Dear Everyone,

I often sit alone in this desolate place and contemplate the life that has been laid before me. Not a life that has been given to me, but a life I myself have created and I am in disgust. Once I thought I had everything figured out, but far from the truth have I been. I’m out of time, out of answers, and out of directions. My only hope is to someday create a legacy that will change the world. I don’t foresee myself ever being a martyr, however I would like to one day be known as someone who made a difference. Perhaps that admiration is something we all cherish in some way or another.

I preach of love, aspiration, success and accomplishment; however tonight none of my strengths can shine through this darkness. No matter how much good I hold dear to me and how much white light shines through me, it is not powerful enough to overcome the burning pain of reality. Daily I feel worthless, let down, and unaccomplished…not by society, but by myself. I cannot continue down this path, but I feel as if I have run out of roads to choose from. I have traveled many paths for many years and cannot seem to find the one that works for me.

I know what I want, I have yearned for it for quite some time. I have fought battles and lost many wars, and I feel as if my career is over. No this isn’t metaphor for life, but perhaps the acceptance that I am meant for nothing more than being just another number. Maybe the years of disobedience and disobeying of what has been laid out in front of me for something more is something I need to accept instead of fight. I’m tired of fighting and advancing forward to only be thrown back once again.

My less than fortunate posting here tonight is not to bring anyone down or share feelings on my level. My post is simply thus:

1. NEVER let your emotions overcome your dreams as they have mine. Your mind is powerful, but you have to take control early. Too far gone do I feel I have become, however tomorrow is another day so there is still a brightly shining light.

2. When the going gets tough, keep pushing forward. No battle can be won by simply giving in. I have not given in, I just need to seek the comfort in good company.

3. Aim to not make mistakes and if you do, learn from them…become stronger…and come out a champion.

As for me at this moment: I’m lost, I’m alone, I’m without knowledge of where to go.

If you have taken the time to read this, I appreciate you. I really do mean that. I will keep working for a positive future and try new things, but as of right now, I have no clue where I am supposed to start.

Best,

Chad

This Little game we call Life

Dear Everyone,

I just want to make a little post to announce a book I am currently working on. I am announcing this book for two reasons:

1. is to give me an official public release so I will actually work towards finishing this piece.

2. The other reason is that I want to inform everyone who reads DearChad because I will be offering the book for free when it releases to all of my readers for a short time.

My book will be titled: This Little game we call Life: Over Thinking, Anxiety, and Depression. 

I am going to go extremely deep with this book as I pour into it every fiber of who I am. I will be revealing all of the darkness of my life which includes all of the events that lead up to the person I am today. I am writing this book to relate to others. I want to shed a little light into the dark areas of other’s lives so that they too may be able to work their way towards a happier and healthier life.

When I began DearChad in the fall of 2014, I started the blog as a personal release, however I have since connected with many wonderful individuals. My goal in life is to change the world in a positive light and for that I believe this book with serve as not only my foundation, but also a bridge. I want more out of my life, and what better way to do that than to share my everything with the rest of the world. There is no room to be greedy, but there is plenty of room to love.

Best,

Chad

Will I ever find an understanding?

Dear Anyone,

Some days are great. Some days are full of life, excitement, and high expectations. 

Other days are not so great. Other days are full of worry, remorse, and worthlessness.

Does anyone else ever feel this way?

Often, I get in these moods where I want to do everything, but also nothing at all. My mind comes up with ways to contradict itself. I know many of the things that I would like to do, however I overcomplicate those actions and spiral myself downward with little to no control. I call this the “blah” factor. The best way I can describe my current state of mind is “blah”.

I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t know how to change it. Believe me, I have tried everything to stay away from this mindset, however I do not think that is possible. There is no hiding, and one can only run for so long before all of this darkness finally catches up. All I know I can try and do is think positive, however it’s hard to shed sunlight when the sky is full of dark clouds.

I know what I want to do in life, however I cannot do that because I don’t know how. My ideas of success are damn well near impossible because my mind won’t let me believe otherwise. Perhaps I am placing judgement on the past and the present, which is not in any means correct. I know the answers, but I don’t know how to use them.

My mind is racing with thoughts of: That’s not fair!, Why me? Why not me? How? I don’t understand! I give up! I’m done trying!, and so on. Inside off of that negative losslessness does exist a little bit of hope….but how much longer until the fire burns out?

This is my conundrum.

Best