Same Space

I’m traveling down a highway at a scary fast pace. I can see the road ahead of me and I’ll have to make a choice of direction to go. The road isn’t straight and narrow anymore, but wide and full of choices.

I’m torn.

I’m torn between the two directions I can take. I am torn because half of me desires one path, while half of me believes the other path would be better…

Turning Left.

If I turn left, my life will be full of unknown ups and downs. The good times will be great, however the bad times will be dark. I will be pulled in many directions until I believe I will reach the point where my body and soul cannot stretch anymore.

Even with the unfortunate company of darkness, this path too is full of light. This path is mixed with love, care, concern, and support, however I do not know if it will be enough. I don’t believe the forces down this path are where they need to be for things to run smoothly. I don’t believe the external forces and myself are in the same place just yet.

Turning Right.

This choice of turn will be a difficult one at that. It will be difficult because this turn will change everything. Everything that has been conformed to this point will be lost, and that terrifies me. I’ll have to start anew and rebuild after the demolition. I’m scared to rebuild again. I’m not so convinced I will ever be able to restart successfully. I feel like my times at doing so are getting low, if even existent anymore at all.

What I desire. 

I desire a life where I can be constantly happy. I desire a job where I can make enough, while also enjoying my time. I want someone to share my time with. Someone who is passionate, caring, and on the same page. I desire a life full of love, care, happiness, and as stress free as possible.

I believe I know deep down all the things I need to do in order to achieve this happiness, even if the choices are not what I am ready for. I suppose I don’t have to be ready, I just need to be willing.

  • Chad

 

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Struggle and Sleep

Dear Chad,

Struggle and Sleep, the constant that is my life. Every new day brings a great struggle as I again fight to stop over thinking. Fight to stop creating false realities and over analyzing every situation.

My thoughts are reoccurring and I can never find peace with them. I feel as if I am standing in a busy street and each thought it a person laughing and throwing something at me. No matter how much I struggle, I cannot find an opening in the crowd to escape. The only place I ever feel safe is in the comfort of good company. I find the most comfort in the company and arms of my girlfriend, however she cannot be my shadow.

I want things to get better because I know my poisonous mind is toxic to those around me. Toxic to the ones who love me and only want to help me. If I cannot change things, I feel like I am going to slowly start pushing people away from me, and if that happens…all hope will be lost.

I am going to try new things next week which will hopefully help me cause. I don’t know what has lead me to be like this; where the real trouble began. Every day I am exhausted, and I am missing out on life.

During the day I struggle and at night there is sleep, or lack there of. I spend many nights with my mind exploding with thoughts. Thoughts that keep me awake to early hours in the morning, or wake me up long before a good rest. The struggles of my day follow me into the night like some kind of monster that is put into my mind for the sole purpose of killing me slowly.

I have created this prison, I am the architect, however I do not know how to escape. I don’t remember the plans which built these walls, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find my way out. I’m lost in this puzzle of depression, false ideas, and self torture. I cannot handle what I cannot control, and I cannot (right now) control me.

I am afraid.

  • Chad

Oh, Hello There

Dear Megan,

From the moment I met you, I felt something for you. Before I even knew you, I felt that there would be something between us.

I felt ill the entire day leading up to meeting you in person for the first time. I was full of jitters, nervous emotions, and joy. I remember that day as if it was yesterday…

I had been anticipating meeting you for quite awhile after your friend told me about you. She had nothing but great things to say, and I was intrigued. Finally the day quickly approached that we were to meet and go out for the first time.

When you finally arrived at my friends house and I heard to doorbell ring, my heart sunk and I went into a nervous frenzy. I was asking so many questions because I was both nervous and excited to meet you. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and remind myself that this was real. I was going to meet you and I had nothing to worry about.

I knew that I would have to come out and meet you so I took a deep breath, walked out the door, and there you were. There was this beautiful young lady standing right there in front of me. You had your back to my direction, so eye contact wasn’t instant. I was so nervous to see you turn around and face me, but when you did, I was struck with awe. You were even more beautiful than your photos depicted, and this made it even harder on me.

The first half of the date was fun, but I knew it wasn’t going smoothly because of my nerves. My only hope was that I wasn’t completely ruining everything because, I was into you. I was into what I knew about you, I was into your looks, I was into your soft and sweet voice, I was into getting to know more about you.

When we arrived back at my friends so you could leave and get to your game, I was both happy that I got to finally spend time with you, and sad that time was being cut short. I longed for more time with you. When I walked with you out to the car, I didn’t want the moment to end. I was instantly hooked on you.

There you stood in my friends driveway smiling at me. That was the moment I knew. Something sparked inside of me and that was the moment I felt it. Call it what you will, but at that moment I felt something with you that I have never felt for anyone before. When you asked me to come to your game, I felt upmost joy and could not resist coming to see and support you.

I remember being at your game and during your break you thanked me for coming, but the only thing that crossed my mind was thank you for inviting me. After the game, I wanted more time with you and fate provided just that. The next few hours spent getting to know you a little better while, just talking amongst friends was better than what I could have expected.

As the night was coming to a close, I was so nervous to kiss you. I was nervous that you didn’t feel what I felt, and may perhaps never want anything to do with me again. It was hard to muster up the courage, but finally I did. It was at that moment our lips connected that my interest for you deepened. It was that first kiss that I will never forget.

Over the next few months I spent time getting to know you and trying to figure out all of these new feelings. I had been in relationships in the past, some pretty serious, however I never felt something like this with anyone else. On February 10, 2016, we finally took the step into something serious. That was the best choice I have ever made.

The past few months have been some of the happiest of my entire life. I feel something with you that I have never felt, and it is perhaps the greatest feeling that has ever crossed me. I feel it each and every single day and it only grows stronger.

Last night I felt that I put everything in jeopardy because of foolish curiosity and concern. I was wrong because I was concerned and upset. That does not excuse my actions, however in some ways I am glad that it happened. I am glad because it made me realize what is most important to me, and help me finally understand what it is I have been feeling all along.

I wanted last night to be perfect, because I had the perfect evening planned. I was angry, upset, and devastated that everything I had planned came crashing down upon us. I wanted to express to you my deepest thoughts and emotions, however I simply managed to destroy everything I had worked so hard to build. It wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to you. The struggle I faced last night as you left, was possibly one of the hardest struggles and eye opening moments I have ever faced.

Megan, you see, there is something I have wanted to tell you for awhile now. Something I have feared to share with you due to a world of concerns. Concerns that you won’t feel the same way. Concerns that I might scare you away. Concerns that putting myself out there and objectifying myself vulnerability may break me once again. I cannot deny the feelings I have for you any longer. If fate really wants this to be, then you will understand what I am about to say. My hope is that your feelings will too match my own.

I often spent many nights wondering what this strange feeling was I have for you. I considered just plain joy, I considered content, and I considered happiness. The truth is, I have known all along what it has been and that feeling I have been experiencing for you is true.

Megan, my feelings for you are strong, and that scares the hell out of me. I have become attached to you, happy with you, and I cannot consider any other option. I want to have a future with you, as I cannot see one without you in it. Things may not have went according to plan, however now is the time to be true, I am in love with you.

-Chad

Put Me to Sleep While I find a Cure

Dear Anyone,

I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting. I hate myself for having pity. I hate myself for making excuses. I hate myself for allowing the cycle to continue on.

I have no control.

Tonight I have played “The Lines” by Beartooth on constant repeat as I try to drown out the thoughts. So many thoughts that continue crossing back and forth in my mind. Thoughts keeping me awake.

I cannot take the struggle so I gave myself some aid, perhaps too much, to help with ease the pain. 

Everyday is a battle that never gets any easier.

I hate myself for not being able to stop it. I hate myself for poisoning others. I hate myself for not having a cure. I hate myself for not being in control. I hate myself for thinking this way.

How many chances do I get before my head explodes?
Where’s my comfort in the undefined
Please just try to read between the lines

What is the poison inside of me
The sickness in my head
Put me to sleep while I find a cure for the sickness in my head

  • Lyrics from “The Lines” by Beartooth

If I were a praying man, that’s what I would do, but I am not that man. I tried that life and everything was exactly the same, so I left that life behind. I don’t know what the future holds, but I sure as hell hope it gets better.

  • Chad

My Darkest Days

Dear Whoever,

Like you, I understand the many struggles that depression and overthinking bring. I myself have plenty of bad days and the only way I have found to make it through is to keep pushing forward.

When my bad days come, they come from triggers which I do not control. When the light comes on, I quickly start running in circles because I am helpless, lost, and confused. I don’t know why I am this way, and if I could change it…I would.

I lived with dark thoughts of self hate and feelings of undesirable expression, and after awhile I finally sought out some help. As it turned out, for me, I have a chemical imbalance where my brain cannot create oxytocin fast enough to fight off the “bad stuff”. This often occurs when I have a lot of free time to think, I am alone, or something has “triggered” me.

ANYTHING can set me off and I typically do not see it coming. Many of my “episodes” do not gradually come up, the simply blindside me and leave my lying on the ground. I have no way to brace for impact and simple have to take the fall and wait as I heal.

It does help to have great friends, family, and a girlfriend who care a lot about me, but sometimes that is even not enough. Even though I have all of them and take medicine now to help with my problem, I still do in fact have bad days.

The fact is we all have bad days and there is no way to stop that. The important thing to remember is that you need to just keep moving forward and enjoy the good days for all they are worth!

 

Best,

Chad

Words cannot express

Dear Whoever,

Words cannot express my current and ongoing state of emotion. There was a time in my life where I could feel however that ability is currently lost. This has been an ongoing occurrence for quite some time, and I don’t really know when it honestly ended. My belief is that a part of me died a few years ago and a part of me is gone forever, however I don’t want to believe that.

I feel like my life has been overtaken by a gang of misfits known as: anger, darkness, stress, fear, and doubt. There are times in my life where I experience happiness, but the good in life is very little now. I can recall a time only a few years ago where my levels of stress and twilight were small and my very aura was full of light.

I just don’t feel anything.

Most of the time, I just feel like an empty, hollow shell. I’m not sure if it is due to failures, a lack of belief in myself/abilities, a loss of hope or a combination of everything. My assumption is that years of distresses have built a wall in my mind where I am serving time in my own prison. By knowing that, I should be able to escape, but it’s as if I am in hiding. Now, the real question is, what is it I am hiding from?

I don’t even know what words to write at this very moment because my mind even feels blank. I’m at a loss and struggling, however I refuse to give up. I know the answers are out there, but I don’t know where to look.

When I think back to the times I was most happy, I realize what is now missing, however when I try to recreate those times, it only helps for a little while.

May I am just being delusional to myself now and I was never truly happy. Perhaps I have always been a walking complexity of poor choices and unhealthy mistakes, but I know that is not true.

I just want to stabilize.

Best,

Chad

My Findings

Dear Anyone,

Today, after facing some scrutiny, I at first became angry. For about the past year or so I have slowly been falling off the social radar. I used to be very outgoing, optimistic, and ambitious, however years of heartache, headache, and failed attempts, I had given up. I finally spent enough time wallowing in my own self darkness when an universal intervention finally came. This intervention began as a comment towards my expressed anxiety on a social media post from yesterday. At first I was angry and wanted to shout out loud, however I know I am stronger than that. I cannot help the way I feel about certain things, it is just who I am.

In order to calm myself down, I walked into another room and begin emitting my thoughts into words aloud to no one but myself. As I started expression equal concerns to the ones that were brought to my attention, I was suddenly awoken to the knowledge of why I am the way that I am today. I learned as to why I feel the way I do about certain things and act the way I do in certain situations.

Perhaps sharing the next bit of information is something I should keep either to myself or a close group, however how is that going to change the world? How will that help anyone else?

Relationships

My relationship life over the past two or three years (I lost count) has been obsolete. It’s not that I do not desire a significant other in my life, it’s just I don’t feel I can handle one. My relationship life in the past has been full of many ups and downs. I have shared some of the greatest times in my life and the worst of ones as well. One of my greatest relationships took place over eleven years ago. This relationship was significant to me because it was my first major relationship where I can honestly say I was in love and my longest lasting. That relationship did something to me…

During that relationship, a seed was planted into my mind that everything was perfect. I saw the world in vivid colors while being able to enjoy nearly ever breath I took. I was going through many rough times in my life due to death, divorce, school, jobs, friends, and so much more, but that relationship seemed to be the bow holding everything together.

Everything was going perfectly, or so I thought. I had no idea that one day all great things would come to an end and the entire world would come crashing down on me. When it did, I did not see it coming, and I was nowhere near being prepared. The day the whole world did go away, nothing was left except me and a broken shell of what once was. Now all of those terrible events in my life that the relationship was protecting me from started kicking me as soon as I hit the ground.

I never recovered.

Although I did eventually make somewhat of closure with that relationship, I never recovered. To this day I am a broken mess when it comes to relationships. I don’t know if it is the fear that I might have to relive that tragic time in my life again or if I feel I am not worthy for a second cause. Either way, it’s something I need to work on and eventually overcome.

After my share of poor relationships that made me lose trust, I finally came across the perfect one. Little did I know, that would be the worst relationship of all. If you are confused at this point, let me explain…

The relationship I am speaking of was in fact PERFECT in every sense of the word. I was dating a very pretty girl who was fun to be around and also supported me as much as my own family. She was more than just my girlfriend, she was my dear friend, my sidekick, my rock, and my bow holding it altogether. Sadly for me, this felt all to familiar and I had to sever my own ties before I go in too deep. So many thoughts kept running through my head and I couldn’t keep up with the pace. I panicked and hit the ground running.

Events

To protect those around me who have left me feeling the way I do today about things, I will have to leave out some details and change a few things, but today I learned a lot about WHY I am who I am.

Today I learned that many of the things I dislike, however have never really known why are because of other people and events I associate them with. From sporting events, to teams, to places, to names, and so on, I know why I dislike so many things. I used to think it was just because I was/am an asshole, but I learned there is more to it than that. It’s a psychological hold that runs deeper than my heart and mind, it runs straight to my subconscious. The reason I could never pin point the problem is because I was searching in the wrong place. Perhaps I buried these thoughts so far down many years ago hoping it would help me in the future, I had forgotten where I put them. Being grown up now and have experienced so much I knew I needed to face these issues rather than run from them. The only problem was, I couldn’t face what I couldn’t see. Now, I see clearly.

Findings

Personally, here is what I learned today. It is not so much as to facing these demons, as it is acknowledging them. Until today, I didn’t know where to look, what I was looking for, or what to face; now knowing what it was all along has surely helped.

I can’t say that I am 100% back to the “real” me, however I can say that I am on the right path. I havn’t know who I am for a long time now, but I can say that it will be a great reuniting.

Best,

Chad