All the Things I want to Say

I love you.

I love you whole heartedly and unconditionally. You have stolen my heart away from me and I only ask that you protect it. The good times are great, however the bad times are dark. I believe that I have feared in the wrong, however there is a fear that does exist.

There are so many factors in place and I am fearful of what may have to come. It’s not my desire, however I feel that it may be the only way to achieve happiness for us both. I don’t believe we are in the same spaces.

I believe that we are both stuck and dwelling in the past. We are concerned of past mistakes and problems and letting those issues interfere with us here and now. I have slowly overcome many of those things, however I believe you are still latched on to yours. I feel that I have tried everything in my power to be comforting, loving, and reassuring, however I don’t know if I ever can change your mind.

I want to be more than your love, I want to be your best friend. I want to be the one to help you, support you, and protect you, but only if you will let me. I feel that you are not ready for commitment and that you are only lying to yourself right now. I feel that you desire much more, and it’s hurtful, but it’s true. I see the way you spark when you talk about others. I see the excitement when you talk about things with others. I just want to feel those things when I am with you too.

I feel as if there is still a lot of feelings and misplaced attachment to previous engagements. I feel as if I can see into your mind and know exactly what you are feeling, because I believe I may be feeling some of it too. I feel as if we are in different places and you are not quite where I am right now. Rather the gap is small or large, the differences are strong.

I want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep at night. I want you to show me love and care to assure me this is all real. I want to be desired and I want to feel alive. There are times, when I don’t feel desired, such as a certain example. A certain example of a love that will never be, however one that is worth leaving me for. I can never tell you of these things because I want you to have feelings that are your own, not influenced by me.

I honestly feel that I am not as important to you as I should be. I feel as if I am just a temporary comfort to help you through some tough times. I believe that our wants and desires are similar, but not enough to be successful.

I truly love you and it is you I desire, but I don’t feel that the feelings are mutual.

Maybe I am wrong. I pray that I am wrong.

Struggle and Sleep

Dear Chad,

Struggle and Sleep, the constant that is my life. Every new day brings a great struggle as I again fight to stop over thinking. Fight to stop creating false realities and over analyzing every situation.

My thoughts are reoccurring and I can never find peace with them. I feel as if I am standing in a busy street and each thought it a person laughing and throwing something at me. No matter how much I struggle, I cannot find an opening in the crowd to escape. The only place I ever feel safe is in the comfort of good company. I find the most comfort in the company and arms of my girlfriend, however she cannot be my shadow.

I want things to get better because I know my poisonous mind is toxic to those around me. Toxic to the ones who love me and only want to help me. If I cannot change things, I feel like I am going to slowly start pushing people away from me, and if that happens…all hope will be lost.

I am going to try new things next week which will hopefully help me cause. I don’t know what has lead me to be like this; where the real trouble began. Every day I am exhausted, and I am missing out on life.

During the day I struggle and at night there is sleep, or lack there of. I spend many nights with my mind exploding with thoughts. Thoughts that keep me awake to early hours in the morning, or wake me up long before a good rest. The struggles of my day follow me into the night like some kind of monster that is put into my mind for the sole purpose of killing me slowly.

I have created this prison, I am the architect, however I do not know how to escape. I don’t remember the plans which built these walls, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find my way out. I’m lost in this puzzle of depression, false ideas, and self torture. I cannot handle what I cannot control, and I cannot (right now) control me.

I am afraid.

  • Chad

Transcendence

Dear Chad,

 

For as long as I can remember my mind has been clouded. Too many thoughts working their way around like a blizzard in my head. It was all I could do to keep pushing forward in a hope to find civilization. To find sanity.

Today my mind is clear. I feel as if I have won the battle, but it feels so bittersweet. Although I don’t have flurries of thoughts compacting my mind, I also have little to no thoughts at all. It is quiet, and it is a quiet am not used to. I am relieved yes, but also weary.

I am now searching for all of the words that will make a difference. The correct choice of words that will not lead my astray. I ask myself, am I ever really lead astray? Perhaps I am always on the proper course, rather I know it or rather I like. I do not believe in chance. I do not believe in coincidence, but I believe that everything can be determined through connection.

There are countless odds and favors which do not put me where I am right now, however here I am. Any one choice or change made along the way and I would be in an entirely new place. So now I ask myself, why am I here? What is the purpose? Where am I going? Where will I go?

  • Chad

The Ride of Life

Dear Chad,

Life is pretty crazy with what it can throw at you. Some days for me are the worst days of my life, while others couldn’t get any better…

Today is one of those days where I don’t believe things could get a whole lot better. I just kind of woke up this way, and I like it. The past couple of days were super rough, however that darkness has passed and I can rest easy until next time.

This is my life and it always has been. I don’t know what days will be good and what days will be bad. I never know when something will trigger my next dark journey, or how long those feelings will last. What I do know is when good days are here, I must enjoy them to the fullest. I try not to take them for granted when they come around, but instead embrace them and welcome them to stay.

I have amazing people in my life that care and understand about how crazy I can become at times, and when my mind is clear, I appreciate them. When my mind is dark, I feel for them.

Last night I spent a few hours with my wonderful girlfriend who really helps me through these things. She cares, she understands, and she is willing to help…even if she is the one that triggered my emotions. She helps me to keep my feet on the ground, and for that I am thankful.

I don’t like having dark days, but not matter what I try, nothing seems to be able to stop it. I try to always remain optimistic for the days ahead, but sometimes that seems damn well near impossible.

One of my biggest stresses I have been surrounded by the past three months was my job. I hated every minute of it. I dreaded going into work, I stressed the entire time I was there, and I always felt drained after leaving. Even on my days off, I just thought about having to eventually go back. Two days ago I decided to leave that place and go back to an old job that once made me happy. A job that keeps my mind busy and I enjoy doing.

I think with the support of my girlfriend, my friends, my family, and my job change…things will start to get better. Here is to being hopeful of a positive and bright future!

  • Chad

My Life with Anxiety and Depression

Dear Chad,

Each day is a constant uphill battle. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t have much of a choice. I have great friends and family to aid me through tough times, however I don’t want to always rely on them and be a burden.

Most of my problems are the same cycles just recurring over and over, and I feel like sharing these same problems constantly with my supporters, will soon make them do away with me.

I don’t want someone to hate me or get tired of me because of my problem, so I often keep many emotions to myself. TICKING TIME BOMB.

It doesn’t take much to make an absolutely perfect day  turn completely around. Even the smallest of things can trigger something in me and make me snap. When I do eventually break, it’s never good. The best way I can describe it is like a river running wild with only bad thoughts. Many of the thoughts are not even real, they are made up in my mind from existing thoughts.

Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is made up.

Sometimes the very people I love or look up to are the ones to trigger something in me. It could be simply stating something and my brain hearing what they say in the wrong way. Sometimes it is actions they make that trigger past memories or events and set me into a world of stress, sadness, and isolation. When the bad times come, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I often do things that are dumb to attempt making the bad time better, however it usually makes things worse.

I don’t want to be this way, but I am not the one flipping the switch.

Last night something happened that trigger past memories of mine and sent me down a deep dark spiral into oblivion. My mind rushed with horrible and terrible thoughts and lead me down a path of rage, anger, sadness, depression, confliction, and the list only goes on. I was mixing what was happening with what had happened.

I didn’t know what to do so I visited a friend and discussed my issues and concerns. I also went the extra mile and took a helping of sleeps aids and medication which did nothing for me. Half of me knew I had nothing to worry about, but the other half, my darker half just kept pulling me under.

Today I feel beaten, bruised, and defeated. 

I try to remain optimistic of what the future will hold for me, but with these issues…I honestly do not know what the answer may be. I have to keep going one day at a time and hope things will get better.

  • Chad

Put Me to Sleep While I find a Cure

Dear Anyone,

I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting. I hate myself for having pity. I hate myself for making excuses. I hate myself for allowing the cycle to continue on.

I have no control.

Tonight I have played “The Lines” by Beartooth on constant repeat as I try to drown out the thoughts. So many thoughts that continue crossing back and forth in my mind. Thoughts keeping me awake.

I cannot take the struggle so I gave myself some aid, perhaps too much, to help with ease the pain. 

Everyday is a battle that never gets any easier.

I hate myself for not being able to stop it. I hate myself for poisoning others. I hate myself for not having a cure. I hate myself for not being in control. I hate myself for thinking this way.

How many chances do I get before my head explodes?
Where’s my comfort in the undefined
Please just try to read between the lines

What is the poison inside of me
The sickness in my head
Put me to sleep while I find a cure for the sickness in my head

  • Lyrics from “The Lines” by Beartooth

If I were a praying man, that’s what I would do, but I am not that man. I tried that life and everything was exactly the same, so I left that life behind. I don’t know what the future holds, but I sure as hell hope it gets better.

  • Chad

My Darkest Days

Dear Whoever,

Like you, I understand the many struggles that depression and overthinking bring. I myself have plenty of bad days and the only way I have found to make it through is to keep pushing forward.

When my bad days come, they come from triggers which I do not control. When the light comes on, I quickly start running in circles because I am helpless, lost, and confused. I don’t know why I am this way, and if I could change it…I would.

I lived with dark thoughts of self hate and feelings of undesirable expression, and after awhile I finally sought out some help. As it turned out, for me, I have a chemical imbalance where my brain cannot create oxytocin fast enough to fight off the “bad stuff”. This often occurs when I have a lot of free time to think, I am alone, or something has “triggered” me.

ANYTHING can set me off and I typically do not see it coming. Many of my “episodes” do not gradually come up, the simply blindside me and leave my lying on the ground. I have no way to brace for impact and simple have to take the fall and wait as I heal.

It does help to have great friends, family, and a girlfriend who care a lot about me, but sometimes that is even not enough. Even though I have all of them and take medicine now to help with my problem, I still do in fact have bad days.

The fact is we all have bad days and there is no way to stop that. The important thing to remember is that you need to just keep moving forward and enjoy the good days for all they are worth!

 

Best,

Chad