Oh, Hello There

Dear Megan,

From the moment I met you, I felt something for you. Before I even knew you, I felt that there would be something between us.

I felt ill the entire day leading up to meeting you in person for the first time. I was full of jitters, nervous emotions, and joy. I remember that day as if it was yesterday…

I had been anticipating meeting you for quite awhile after your friend told me about you. She had nothing but great things to say, and I was intrigued. Finally the day quickly approached that we were to meet and go out for the first time.

When you finally arrived at my friends house and I heard to doorbell ring, my heart sunk and I went into a nervous frenzy. I was asking so many questions because I was both nervous and excited to meet you. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and remind myself that this was real. I was going to meet you and I had nothing to worry about.

I knew that I would have to come out and meet you so I took a deep breath, walked out the door, and there you were. There was this beautiful young lady standing right there in front of me. You had your back to my direction, so eye contact wasn’t instant. I was so nervous to see you turn around and face me, but when you did, I was struck with awe. You were even more beautiful than your photos depicted, and this made it even harder on me.

The first half of the date was fun, but I knew it wasn’t going smoothly because of my nerves. My only hope was that I wasn’t completely ruining everything because, I was into you. I was into what I knew about you, I was into your looks, I was into your soft and sweet voice, I was into getting to know more about you.

When we arrived back at my friends so you could leave and get to your game, I was both happy that I got to finally spend time with you, and sad that time was being cut short. I longed for more time with you. When I walked with you out to the car, I didn’t want the moment to end. I was instantly hooked on you.

There you stood in my friends driveway smiling at me. That was the moment I knew. Something sparked inside of me and that was the moment I felt it. Call it what you will, but at that moment I felt something with you that I have never felt for anyone before. When you asked me to come to your game, I felt upmost joy and could not resist coming to see and support you.

I remember being at your game and during your break you thanked me for coming, but the only thing that crossed my mind was thank you for inviting me. After the game, I wanted more time with you and fate provided just that. The next few hours spent getting to know you a little better while, just talking amongst friends was better than what I could have expected.

As the night was coming to a close, I was so nervous to kiss you. I was nervous that you didn’t feel what I felt, and may perhaps never want anything to do with me again. It was hard to muster up the courage, but finally I did. It was at that moment our lips connected that my interest for you deepened. It was that first kiss that I will never forget.

Over the next few months I spent time getting to know you and trying to figure out all of these new feelings. I had been in relationships in the past, some pretty serious, however I never felt something like this with anyone else. On February 10, 2016, we finally took the step into something serious. That was the best choice I have ever made.

The past few months have been some of the happiest of my entire life. I feel something with you that I have never felt, and it is perhaps the greatest feeling that has ever crossed me. I feel it each and every single day and it only grows stronger.

Last night I felt that I put everything in jeopardy because of foolish curiosity and concern. I was wrong because I was concerned and upset. That does not excuse my actions, however in some ways I am glad that it happened. I am glad because it made me realize what is most important to me, and help me finally understand what it is I have been feeling all along.

I wanted last night to be perfect, because I had the perfect evening planned. I was angry, upset, and devastated that everything I had planned came crashing down upon us. I wanted to express to you my deepest thoughts and emotions, however I simply managed to destroy everything I had worked so hard to build. It wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to you. The struggle I faced last night as you left, was possibly one of the hardest struggles and eye opening moments I have ever faced.

Megan, you see, there is something I have wanted to tell you for awhile now. Something I have feared to share with you due to a world of concerns. Concerns that you won’t feel the same way. Concerns that I might scare you away. Concerns that putting myself out there and objectifying myself vulnerability may break me once again. I cannot deny the feelings I have for you any longer. If fate really wants this to be, then you will understand what I am about to say. My hope is that your feelings will too match my own.

I often spent many nights wondering what this strange feeling was I have for you. I considered just plain joy, I considered content, and I considered happiness. The truth is, I have known all along what it has been and that feeling I have been experiencing for you is true.

Megan, my feelings for you are strong, and that scares the hell out of me. I have become attached to you, happy with you, and I cannot consider any other option. I want to have a future with you, as I cannot see one without you in it. Things may not have went according to plan, however now is the time to be true, I am in love with you.

-Chad

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Becoming the Archetype

Dear Whoever,

If you have been following Dear Chad for awhile now, you know that my posts exemplify the aspects of life that typically bring us down. Although I don’t write about subjecting yourself to negativity, I do write about how to embrace it. Today’s post is no different, but due to recent evens my mind has been returned to a previous state (for the better).

HIGH SCHOOL

Five High School students at school. graduation students KS97573

Home to the goofy, the proud, the secretive, and the fearless. In the inner sanctum of high school, we all share the common trait of being invincible. Together we are strong because we have each other. Rather we know it or not, our friends are everything to us and for the remainder of our lives, we all always be there for one another. Although we grow apart and live separate lives, we each still hold a place for one another somewhere inside.

As we go our separate ways in our walks of life, communication often becomes lost. Even without communication, once united, we spiritually never part.

FAST FORWARD

Ten years have passed and your beloved friends are either living in or moving closer to their dreams. So are you. Some of you play catchup while others have long become overwhelmed with what life has thrown at them. While your times together have not been forgotten, they are surly repressed.

Someday, an act of tragedy is placed upon a member of your impenetrable group.

Reality sets in. Maybe we are not so indestructible.

Regret sets in. Maybe we could have changed our ways.

Thoughts and questions overtake us. We just don’t know the answer anymore.

What I believe we are experiencing here is a loss of child-like qualities due to the abrupt changes in our adult life.

Congratulations, you have became The Archetype. 

Graduate. Go to College. Fall in Love. Get a Job. Start A Family. Advance in Career. Buy a Home. Work. Retire. The End.

Although there is absolutely nothing wrong with a linear lifestyle for some, it’s not for me.

After the recent events of a wonderful friend of mine, I have been able to finally touch base with reality. The reality that I am not invincible. That I am not even able to take a few hits, like I once imagined. Up until this point I have been living life at half speed, only being able to enjoying things here and there. Never being fully capable of taking the world as my own or creating a life for me, but instead, I have been living a life I was handed.

Historic Abingdon. Aerial.  Virginia Tourism Corporation, www.Virginia.org

Nestled safely within the Appalachian Mountain ranges in Southwest Virginia; the small town above is the one I have called home for the past 26 and one half years of my life. I NEED SOMETHING MORE.

I have previously declared 2015 to be MY YEAR. My year of possibilities, changes, and finding the answers to many of my life’s questions. I am planning something, and it’s BIG. So big that only I will be ready. This is a positive change. A change so great, my life will never be the same again. It’s time to start living life exactly how I want with no regard to what could happen, however what will happen…if I do not do this.

I am going to take a risk. Possibly the biggest risk I can take. For on this game of life, I am going all in. 

Whereas my small town of Abingdon Virginia has been my playground for 26 years…This will become my sandbox:

Map-Wall-Mural-with-USA-Map

Perhaps my thought process is not the same as yours, however I want it all, or nothing at all. Today, I have vowed to dismantle my archetype, and create my own vessel. 

Best Regards,

– Chad

P.S. I want to leave you with some lyrics which are influential to my life, and describe my thoughts to perfection.

Alive in the Lights – Memphis May Fire

From the beginning I knew I was different.
I embraced it, but you didn’t.
Your normal life, nine to five,
It’s just not for me.
I need to feel alive!

I won’t fall like the rest of them,
They’ve come and gone with the wind.
I hear the doubt in the back of your mind
But still I’ll see this through to the end.

Maybe if you paid more attention,
Asked more questions and actually listened
You would see this is not just a dream,
But a path I’ve chosen that means everything to me.

Don’t you see the minds that have changed?
Don’t you see the lives that have been saved?
Don’t you care to see the difference I’ve made?

Listen closely, the highways call my name.
Don’t you see this is my everything?
It may not seem right to you
And you might not approve but it’s real.
This is the only thing that makes me feel.

What more do I have to do
To finally prove myself to you?
What is it that you need to see
To finally believe this is who I’m supposed to be?

Most days I feel like your punching bag,
But I would never let it hold me back.
I just wish for once you knew
How it felt to be brought down lower than everything else.

Don’t you care to see the difference I’ve made?
Listen closely, the highways call my name.
Don’t you see this is my everything?
It may not seem right to you
And you might not approve but it’s real.
This is the only thing that makes me feel.

This is who I am! This is my life.
I come alive in the lights!
I come alive in the lights.

What will be written on your tombstone?
You sat behind a desk.
You had no backbone.
What will be written on your tombstone?
You sold your soul, grew old alone.
Would you prefer that I become a lifeless,
Hollow shell such as yourself?
Would you prefer that I give up my dreams
And lose all hope just like everyone else?

Don’t you see the lives that have been saved?
Listen closely, the highways call my name.
Don’t you see this is my everything?
It may not seem right to you
And you might not approve but it’s real.
This is the only thing that makes me feel.

One little Blip.

Dear Universe,

I believe that the time has finally come for me to be honest with you, more importantly, myself. I don’t believe for a moment that one can fully achieve his full potential without first coming out to the world with truth. Otherwise, he is simply denying himself and future burying himself in despair. To live without hope is one thing, but to lose all sight because of lies and hidden truth is completely and utterly detrimental.

So here it is….all of the less than pleasant truths I have been hiding. Not only been hiding from you, but covering up for myself. These discrepancies will no longer haunt me, because tonight I face them will full force.

Defilement One: Alcoholism 

Have grown up around the often indulging substance, I have primarily been exposed only to the vulgar side of the bitter substance. Seeing anger, aggression, acts of intolerance, and even injustice. After years of antagonizing threats, I too allowed myself to become a victim of the horrible effects of the bottle. Although for just a short time, it consumed me just as it did those around me. The ones I despised after it’s use were the very ones that I became.

After my climatic defeat with the evil of uncontrolled possession, I finally came to a close with that part of my life. Now, I am once again a spectator in a series of events I have no control over. I sit back and watch as my hands are shackled against my will. I am force fed my own nightmares again and again. Disturbing thoughts of what could be and ultimately what will be are what never allude my mind.

Trapped inside of a four walled prison, I have created because of my own self indulgence. Not in the liquid poison that once controlled my life; the second defilement that has an even tighter grip on my direction.

Defilement Two: Finances 

Far too long have I been subject to my own faults. Incomes less than expenditures, and spendings that never cease. Some of these wrongful choices guised under the illusion of good will (in accordance with society). Excuses of the plenty, however none which ever became sufficient. Uncontrollable outrage, impulses with momentum, and thoughtless efforts to “improve” the situation.

All I have managed to do is dig myself deeper. Deeper into a hole which is not easy to escape. Basing choices off of hope instead of faith and action. Failure to see the true blessings which have incoherently disguised their true beings. Taunting are these jesters or wrong doing. Due to these demising circumstances, I have landed myself in protected torment. Connections.

To be continued…

**The moral here is this my friends. NEVER become the inmate of your own self prison. It is the simplest to get locked into, and also the hardest to ever leave.

Best Regards,

Chad