Same Space

I’m traveling down a highway at a scary fast pace. I can see the road ahead of me and I’ll have to make a choice of direction to go. The road isn’t straight and narrow anymore, but wide and full of choices.

I’m torn.

I’m torn between the two directions I can take. I am torn because half of me desires one path, while half of me believes the other path would be better…

Turning Left.

If I turn left, my life will be full of unknown ups and downs. The good times will be great, however the bad times will be dark. I will be pulled in many directions until I believe I will reach the point where my body and soul cannot stretch anymore.

Even with the unfortunate company of darkness, this path too is full of light. This path is mixed with love, care, concern, and support, however I do not know if it will be enough. I don’t believe the forces down this path are where they need to be for things to run smoothly. I don’t believe the external forces and myself are in the same place just yet.

Turning Right.

This choice of turn will be a difficult one at that. It will be difficult because this turn will change everything. Everything that has been conformed to this point will be lost, and that terrifies me. I’ll have to start anew and rebuild after the demolition. I’m scared to rebuild again. I’m not so convinced I will ever be able to restart successfully. I feel like my times at doing so are getting low, if even existent anymore at all.

What I desire. 

I desire a life where I can be constantly happy. I desire a job where I can make enough, while also enjoying my time. I want someone to share my time with. Someone who is passionate, caring, and on the same page. I desire a life full of love, care, happiness, and as stress free as possible.

I believe I know deep down all the things I need to do in order to achieve this happiness, even if the choices are not what I am ready for. I suppose I don’t have to be ready, I just need to be willing.

  • Chad

 

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Transcendence

Dear Chad,

 

For as long as I can remember my mind has been clouded. Too many thoughts working their way around like a blizzard in my head. It was all I could do to keep pushing forward in a hope to find civilization. To find sanity.

Today my mind is clear. I feel as if I have won the battle, but it feels so bittersweet. Although I don’t have flurries of thoughts compacting my mind, I also have little to no thoughts at all. It is quiet, and it is a quiet am not used to. I am relieved yes, but also weary.

I am now searching for all of the words that will make a difference. The correct choice of words that will not lead my astray. I ask myself, am I ever really lead astray? Perhaps I am always on the proper course, rather I know it or rather I like. I do not believe in chance. I do not believe in coincidence, but I believe that everything can be determined through connection.

There are countless odds and favors which do not put me where I am right now, however here I am. Any one choice or change made along the way and I would be in an entirely new place. So now I ask myself, why am I here? What is the purpose? Where am I going? Where will I go?

  • Chad

The Ride of Life

Dear Chad,

Life is pretty crazy with what it can throw at you. Some days for me are the worst days of my life, while others couldn’t get any better…

Today is one of those days where I don’t believe things could get a whole lot better. I just kind of woke up this way, and I like it. The past couple of days were super rough, however that darkness has passed and I can rest easy until next time.

This is my life and it always has been. I don’t know what days will be good and what days will be bad. I never know when something will trigger my next dark journey, or how long those feelings will last. What I do know is when good days are here, I must enjoy them to the fullest. I try not to take them for granted when they come around, but instead embrace them and welcome them to stay.

I have amazing people in my life that care and understand about how crazy I can become at times, and when my mind is clear, I appreciate them. When my mind is dark, I feel for them.

Last night I spent a few hours with my wonderful girlfriend who really helps me through these things. She cares, she understands, and she is willing to help…even if she is the one that triggered my emotions. She helps me to keep my feet on the ground, and for that I am thankful.

I don’t like having dark days, but not matter what I try, nothing seems to be able to stop it. I try to always remain optimistic for the days ahead, but sometimes that seems damn well near impossible.

One of my biggest stresses I have been surrounded by the past three months was my job. I hated every minute of it. I dreaded going into work, I stressed the entire time I was there, and I always felt drained after leaving. Even on my days off, I just thought about having to eventually go back. Two days ago I decided to leave that place and go back to an old job that once made me happy. A job that keeps my mind busy and I enjoy doing.

I think with the support of my girlfriend, my friends, my family, and my job change…things will start to get better. Here is to being hopeful of a positive and bright future!

  • Chad

My Life with Anxiety and Depression

Dear Chad,

Each day is a constant uphill battle. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t have much of a choice. I have great friends and family to aid me through tough times, however I don’t want to always rely on them and be a burden.

Most of my problems are the same cycles just recurring over and over, and I feel like sharing these same problems constantly with my supporters, will soon make them do away with me.

I don’t want someone to hate me or get tired of me because of my problem, so I often keep many emotions to myself. TICKING TIME BOMB.

It doesn’t take much to make an absolutely perfect day  turn completely around. Even the smallest of things can trigger something in me and make me snap. When I do eventually break, it’s never good. The best way I can describe it is like a river running wild with only bad thoughts. Many of the thoughts are not even real, they are made up in my mind from existing thoughts.

Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is made up.

Sometimes the very people I love or look up to are the ones to trigger something in me. It could be simply stating something and my brain hearing what they say in the wrong way. Sometimes it is actions they make that trigger past memories or events and set me into a world of stress, sadness, and isolation. When the bad times come, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I often do things that are dumb to attempt making the bad time better, however it usually makes things worse.

I don’t want to be this way, but I am not the one flipping the switch.

Last night something happened that trigger past memories of mine and sent me down a deep dark spiral into oblivion. My mind rushed with horrible and terrible thoughts and lead me down a path of rage, anger, sadness, depression, confliction, and the list only goes on. I was mixing what was happening with what had happened.

I didn’t know what to do so I visited a friend and discussed my issues and concerns. I also went the extra mile and took a helping of sleeps aids and medication which did nothing for me. Half of me knew I had nothing to worry about, but the other half, my darker half just kept pulling me under.

Today I feel beaten, bruised, and defeated. 

I try to remain optimistic of what the future will hold for me, but with these issues…I honestly do not know what the answer may be. I have to keep going one day at a time and hope things will get better.

  • Chad

Put Me to Sleep While I find a Cure

Dear Anyone,

I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting. I hate myself for having pity. I hate myself for making excuses. I hate myself for allowing the cycle to continue on.

I have no control.

Tonight I have played “The Lines” by Beartooth on constant repeat as I try to drown out the thoughts. So many thoughts that continue crossing back and forth in my mind. Thoughts keeping me awake.

I cannot take the struggle so I gave myself some aid, perhaps too much, to help with ease the pain. 

Everyday is a battle that never gets any easier.

I hate myself for not being able to stop it. I hate myself for poisoning others. I hate myself for not having a cure. I hate myself for not being in control. I hate myself for thinking this way.

How many chances do I get before my head explodes?
Where’s my comfort in the undefined
Please just try to read between the lines

What is the poison inside of me
The sickness in my head
Put me to sleep while I find a cure for the sickness in my head

  • Lyrics from “The Lines” by Beartooth

If I were a praying man, that’s what I would do, but I am not that man. I tried that life and everything was exactly the same, so I left that life behind. I don’t know what the future holds, but I sure as hell hope it gets better.

  • Chad

These Three Little Words

Dear Whoever,

I don’t think there has ever been anything in my life to haunt me as much as these three little words…Who are you? That was a question I was asked during an unexacting moment where a microphone was pushed to my face for a senior video in high school. Almost sure of the answer, I replied “I’m Chad”. “No! Who are you?” my friend asked again.

At this point I was completely confused and I think it was quite noticeable on my face. It seemed that no matter what answer I thought was right, my friend continued to inform me that I was incorrect. Finally my reply was “I am me?”

BINGO!

To this day, I still think about that moment and the conversation between my friend and I. Also to this day, I don’t know how to answer that question. Of course I am me, however who is me? Let’s break this down a little bit and see where we can go…or at least see how far I have gotten.

Instead of saying “I am me”, let’s use some other descriptions that we typically use:

I am Chad. Yes, true I am Chad, however that isn’t “who I am”, that is simply my name. NOT who I am.

I am a Photographer. Hit the nail on the head again. I do in fact do photography, but that is also not who I am. It is what I do.

I am a Creative Thinker. Again this is something I do, not who I am. Let’s dig deeper.

I am a son. Now we are starting to get somewhere. This is something more than what I do, this is a part of what I am.

Let me list some things I am.

A Son, A Human Being, A Unique Individual, A Cousin, A Grandson, A Nephew.

Here’s the problem with that list. True, those are all a part of who I am, however it isn’t who I am. So that leads me back to those three little haunting words. Who are you?

My response all these years are three even scarier words…I Don’t Know.

Best.

Sail

Maybe I’m a different breed. It is in that thought that I find myself comforting. I don’t know how to show my love because I no longer know how to feel. It’s as if I am an empty shell left here just to wander and never truly evolve. I have always believed that there is good comfort in company, however even in those situational moments I still feel lost, dark, and alone.

Once I was an avid believer of hope and prosperity through strength, hard work, and determination, however it is now hard to see that. The whole entire world around me has become clouded and blurry. Even simple daily tasks have become near impossible for me. I feel as if I can somewhat see to the other side, however it is too hard to make out the fine details. Is everything there really better or will I still yet be surrounded by a glooming world of dismay?

16737569732_416d8cfca7_kThis is how I feel to the world. I believe that I am here but it is so hard to see I don’t feel it. This is why sleep has become so addicting because it allows me to feel again. When I dream, I dream lucidly and vividly as if my dreams have become my own realities. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is not.

If I could only pinpoint the problem(s) that caused this empty and delusional state, I may stand a fighting chance at fixing it, but until then I’m open for options.

Perhaps I have set my standards too high. Perhaps trying to make a difference in the world is something out of my league, or perhaps I just have not pushed far enough yet.

The only problem with continuing forward in my journey to find happiness, balance and composure is I don’t what else I will loose. What else I am willing to loose. It feels as if I have pushed everything and everyone so far away from me that maybe, I don’t have anything else to loose. Maybe continuing down this path is the only thing I have left to look forward to. As accomplished as I have been in the past, none of that matters to where I am now or where I am going because as of right now, I am going nowhere. I simply remain here, stagnant, because I nor the world know where I am meant to be.

– Chad