All the Things I want to Say

I love you.

I love you whole heartedly and unconditionally. You have stolen my heart away from me and I only ask that you protect it. The good times are great, however the bad times are dark. I believe that I have feared in the wrong, however there is a fear that does exist.

There are so many factors in place and I am fearful of what may have to come. It’s not my desire, however I feel that it may be the only way to achieve happiness for us both. I don’t believe we are in the same spaces.

I believe that we are both stuck and dwelling in the past. We are concerned of past mistakes and problems and letting those issues interfere with us here and now. I have slowly overcome many of those things, however I believe you are still latched on to yours. I feel that I have tried everything in my power to be comforting, loving, and reassuring, however I don’t know if I ever can change your mind.

I want to be more than your love, I want to be your best friend. I want to be the one to help you, support you, and protect you, but only if you will let me. I feel that you are not ready for commitment and that you are only lying to yourself right now. I feel that you desire much more, and it’s hurtful, but it’s true. I see the way you spark when you talk about others. I see the excitement when you talk about things with others. I just want to feel those things when I am with you too.

I feel as if there is still a lot of feelings and misplaced attachment to previous engagements. I feel as if I can see into your mind and know exactly what you are feeling, because I believe I may be feeling some of it too. I feel as if we are in different places and you are not quite where I am right now. Rather the gap is small or large, the differences are strong.

I want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep at night. I want you to show me love and care to assure me this is all real. I want to be desired and I want to feel alive. There are times, when I don’t feel desired, such as a certain example. A certain example of a love that will never be, however one that is worth leaving me for. I can never tell you of these things because I want you to have feelings that are your own, not influenced by me.

I honestly feel that I am not as important to you as I should be. I feel as if I am just a temporary comfort to help you through some tough times. I believe that our wants and desires are similar, but not enough to be successful.

I truly love you and it is you I desire, but I don’t feel that the feelings are mutual.

Maybe I am wrong. I pray that I am wrong.

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Same Space

I’m traveling down a highway at a scary fast pace. I can see the road ahead of me and I’ll have to make a choice of direction to go. The road isn’t straight and narrow anymore, but wide and full of choices.

I’m torn.

I’m torn between the two directions I can take. I am torn because half of me desires one path, while half of me believes the other path would be better…

Turning Left.

If I turn left, my life will be full of unknown ups and downs. The good times will be great, however the bad times will be dark. I will be pulled in many directions until I believe I will reach the point where my body and soul cannot stretch anymore.

Even with the unfortunate company of darkness, this path too is full of light. This path is mixed with love, care, concern, and support, however I do not know if it will be enough. I don’t believe the forces down this path are where they need to be for things to run smoothly. I don’t believe the external forces and myself are in the same place just yet.

Turning Right.

This choice of turn will be a difficult one at that. It will be difficult because this turn will change everything. Everything that has been conformed to this point will be lost, and that terrifies me. I’ll have to start anew and rebuild after the demolition. I’m scared to rebuild again. I’m not so convinced I will ever be able to restart successfully. I feel like my times at doing so are getting low, if even existent anymore at all.

What I desire. 

I desire a life where I can be constantly happy. I desire a job where I can make enough, while also enjoying my time. I want someone to share my time with. Someone who is passionate, caring, and on the same page. I desire a life full of love, care, happiness, and as stress free as possible.

I believe I know deep down all the things I need to do in order to achieve this happiness, even if the choices are not what I am ready for. I suppose I don’t have to be ready, I just need to be willing.

  • Chad

 

Transcendence

Dear Chad,

 

For as long as I can remember my mind has been clouded. Too many thoughts working their way around like a blizzard in my head. It was all I could do to keep pushing forward in a hope to find civilization. To find sanity.

Today my mind is clear. I feel as if I have won the battle, but it feels so bittersweet. Although I don’t have flurries of thoughts compacting my mind, I also have little to no thoughts at all. It is quiet, and it is a quiet am not used to. I am relieved yes, but also weary.

I am now searching for all of the words that will make a difference. The correct choice of words that will not lead my astray. I ask myself, am I ever really lead astray? Perhaps I am always on the proper course, rather I know it or rather I like. I do not believe in chance. I do not believe in coincidence, but I believe that everything can be determined through connection.

There are countless odds and favors which do not put me where I am right now, however here I am. Any one choice or change made along the way and I would be in an entirely new place. So now I ask myself, why am I here? What is the purpose? Where am I going? Where will I go?

  • Chad

My Life with Anxiety and Depression

Dear Chad,

Each day is a constant uphill battle. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t have much of a choice. I have great friends and family to aid me through tough times, however I don’t want to always rely on them and be a burden.

Most of my problems are the same cycles just recurring over and over, and I feel like sharing these same problems constantly with my supporters, will soon make them do away with me.

I don’t want someone to hate me or get tired of me because of my problem, so I often keep many emotions to myself. TICKING TIME BOMB.

It doesn’t take much to make an absolutely perfect day  turn completely around. Even the smallest of things can trigger something in me and make me snap. When I do eventually break, it’s never good. The best way I can describe it is like a river running wild with only bad thoughts. Many of the thoughts are not even real, they are made up in my mind from existing thoughts.

Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is made up.

Sometimes the very people I love or look up to are the ones to trigger something in me. It could be simply stating something and my brain hearing what they say in the wrong way. Sometimes it is actions they make that trigger past memories or events and set me into a world of stress, sadness, and isolation. When the bad times come, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I often do things that are dumb to attempt making the bad time better, however it usually makes things worse.

I don’t want to be this way, but I am not the one flipping the switch.

Last night something happened that trigger past memories of mine and sent me down a deep dark spiral into oblivion. My mind rushed with horrible and terrible thoughts and lead me down a path of rage, anger, sadness, depression, confliction, and the list only goes on. I was mixing what was happening with what had happened.

I didn’t know what to do so I visited a friend and discussed my issues and concerns. I also went the extra mile and took a helping of sleeps aids and medication which did nothing for me. Half of me knew I had nothing to worry about, but the other half, my darker half just kept pulling me under.

Today I feel beaten, bruised, and defeated. 

I try to remain optimistic of what the future will hold for me, but with these issues…I honestly do not know what the answer may be. I have to keep going one day at a time and hope things will get better.

  • Chad

Put Me to Sleep While I find a Cure

Dear Anyone,

I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting. I hate myself for having pity. I hate myself for making excuses. I hate myself for allowing the cycle to continue on.

I have no control.

Tonight I have played “The Lines” by Beartooth on constant repeat as I try to drown out the thoughts. So many thoughts that continue crossing back and forth in my mind. Thoughts keeping me awake.

I cannot take the struggle so I gave myself some aid, perhaps too much, to help with ease the pain. 

Everyday is a battle that never gets any easier.

I hate myself for not being able to stop it. I hate myself for poisoning others. I hate myself for not having a cure. I hate myself for not being in control. I hate myself for thinking this way.

How many chances do I get before my head explodes?
Where’s my comfort in the undefined
Please just try to read between the lines

What is the poison inside of me
The sickness in my head
Put me to sleep while I find a cure for the sickness in my head

  • Lyrics from “The Lines” by Beartooth

If I were a praying man, that’s what I would do, but I am not that man. I tried that life and everything was exactly the same, so I left that life behind. I don’t know what the future holds, but I sure as hell hope it gets better.

  • Chad

Words cannot express

Dear Whoever,

Words cannot express my current and ongoing state of emotion. There was a time in my life where I could feel however that ability is currently lost. This has been an ongoing occurrence for quite some time, and I don’t really know when it honestly ended. My belief is that a part of me died a few years ago and a part of me is gone forever, however I don’t want to believe that.

I feel like my life has been overtaken by a gang of misfits known as: anger, darkness, stress, fear, and doubt. There are times in my life where I experience happiness, but the good in life is very little now. I can recall a time only a few years ago where my levels of stress and twilight were small and my very aura was full of light.

I just don’t feel anything.

Most of the time, I just feel like an empty, hollow shell. I’m not sure if it is due to failures, a lack of belief in myself/abilities, a loss of hope or a combination of everything. My assumption is that years of distresses have built a wall in my mind where I am serving time in my own prison. By knowing that, I should be able to escape, but it’s as if I am in hiding. Now, the real question is, what is it I am hiding from?

I don’t even know what words to write at this very moment because my mind even feels blank. I’m at a loss and struggling, however I refuse to give up. I know the answers are out there, but I don’t know where to look.

When I think back to the times I was most happy, I realize what is now missing, however when I try to recreate those times, it only helps for a little while.

May I am just being delusional to myself now and I was never truly happy. Perhaps I have always been a walking complexity of poor choices and unhealthy mistakes, but I know that is not true.

I just want to stabilize.

Best,

Chad

These Three Little Words

Dear Whoever,

I don’t think there has ever been anything in my life to haunt me as much as these three little words…Who are you? That was a question I was asked during an unexacting moment where a microphone was pushed to my face for a senior video in high school. Almost sure of the answer, I replied “I’m Chad”. “No! Who are you?” my friend asked again.

At this point I was completely confused and I think it was quite noticeable on my face. It seemed that no matter what answer I thought was right, my friend continued to inform me that I was incorrect. Finally my reply was “I am me?”

BINGO!

To this day, I still think about that moment and the conversation between my friend and I. Also to this day, I don’t know how to answer that question. Of course I am me, however who is me? Let’s break this down a little bit and see where we can go…or at least see how far I have gotten.

Instead of saying “I am me”, let’s use some other descriptions that we typically use:

I am Chad. Yes, true I am Chad, however that isn’t “who I am”, that is simply my name. NOT who I am.

I am a Photographer. Hit the nail on the head again. I do in fact do photography, but that is also not who I am. It is what I do.

I am a Creative Thinker. Again this is something I do, not who I am. Let’s dig deeper.

I am a son. Now we are starting to get somewhere. This is something more than what I do, this is a part of what I am.

Let me list some things I am.

A Son, A Human Being, A Unique Individual, A Cousin, A Grandson, A Nephew.

Here’s the problem with that list. True, those are all a part of who I am, however it isn’t who I am. So that leads me back to those three little haunting words. Who are you?

My response all these years are three even scarier words…I Don’t Know.

Best.