All the Things I want to Say

I love you.

I love you whole heartedly and unconditionally. You have stolen my heart away from me and I only ask that you protect it. The good times are great, however the bad times are dark. I believe that I have feared in the wrong, however there is a fear that does exist.

There are so many factors in place and I am fearful of what may have to come. It’s not my desire, however I feel that it may be the only way to achieve happiness for us both. I don’t believe we are in the same spaces.

I believe that we are both stuck and dwelling in the past. We are concerned of past mistakes and problems and letting those issues interfere with us here and now. I have slowly overcome many of those things, however I believe you are still latched on to yours. I feel that I have tried everything in my power to be comforting, loving, and reassuring, however I don’t know if I ever can change your mind.

I want to be more than your love, I want to be your best friend. I want to be the one to help you, support you, and protect you, but only if you will let me. I feel that you are not ready for commitment and that you are only lying to yourself right now. I feel that you desire much more, and it’s hurtful, but it’s true. I see the way you spark when you talk about others. I see the excitement when you talk about things with others. I just want to feel those things when I am with you too.

I feel as if there is still a lot of feelings and misplaced attachment to previous engagements. I feel as if I can see into your mind and know exactly what you are feeling, because I believe I may be feeling some of it too. I feel as if we are in different places and you are not quite where I am right now. Rather the gap is small or large, the differences are strong.

I want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep at night. I want you to show me love and care to assure me this is all real. I want to be desired and I want to feel alive. There are times, when I don’t feel desired, such as a certain example. A certain example of a love that will never be, however one that is worth leaving me for. I can never tell you of these things because I want you to have feelings that are your own, not influenced by me.

I honestly feel that I am not as important to you as I should be. I feel as if I am just a temporary comfort to help you through some tough times. I believe that our wants and desires are similar, but not enough to be successful.

I truly love you and it is you I desire, but I don’t feel that the feelings are mutual.

Maybe I am wrong. I pray that I am wrong.

Oh, Hello There

Dear Megan,

From the moment I met you, I felt something for you. Before I even knew you, I felt that there would be something between us.

I felt ill the entire day leading up to meeting you in person for the first time. I was full of jitters, nervous emotions, and joy. I remember that day as if it was yesterday…

I had been anticipating meeting you for quite awhile after your friend told me about you. She had nothing but great things to say, and I was intrigued. Finally the day quickly approached that we were to meet and go out for the first time.

When you finally arrived at my friends house and I heard to doorbell ring, my heart sunk and I went into a nervous frenzy. I was asking so many questions because I was both nervous and excited to meet you. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and remind myself that this was real. I was going to meet you and I had nothing to worry about.

I knew that I would have to come out and meet you so I took a deep breath, walked out the door, and there you were. There was this beautiful young lady standing right there in front of me. You had your back to my direction, so eye contact wasn’t instant. I was so nervous to see you turn around and face me, but when you did, I was struck with awe. You were even more beautiful than your photos depicted, and this made it even harder on me.

The first half of the date was fun, but I knew it wasn’t going smoothly because of my nerves. My only hope was that I wasn’t completely ruining everything because, I was into you. I was into what I knew about you, I was into your looks, I was into your soft and sweet voice, I was into getting to know more about you.

When we arrived back at my friends so you could leave and get to your game, I was both happy that I got to finally spend time with you, and sad that time was being cut short. I longed for more time with you. When I walked with you out to the car, I didn’t want the moment to end. I was instantly hooked on you.

There you stood in my friends driveway smiling at me. That was the moment I knew. Something sparked inside of me and that was the moment I felt it. Call it what you will, but at that moment I felt something with you that I have never felt for anyone before. When you asked me to come to your game, I felt upmost joy and could not resist coming to see and support you.

I remember being at your game and during your break you thanked me for coming, but the only thing that crossed my mind was thank you for inviting me. After the game, I wanted more time with you and fate provided just that. The next few hours spent getting to know you a little better while, just talking amongst friends was better than what I could have expected.

As the night was coming to a close, I was so nervous to kiss you. I was nervous that you didn’t feel what I felt, and may perhaps never want anything to do with me again. It was hard to muster up the courage, but finally I did. It was at that moment our lips connected that my interest for you deepened. It was that first kiss that I will never forget.

Over the next few months I spent time getting to know you and trying to figure out all of these new feelings. I had been in relationships in the past, some pretty serious, however I never felt something like this with anyone else. On February 10, 2016, we finally took the step into something serious. That was the best choice I have ever made.

The past few months have been some of the happiest of my entire life. I feel something with you that I have never felt, and it is perhaps the greatest feeling that has ever crossed me. I feel it each and every single day and it only grows stronger.

Last night I felt that I put everything in jeopardy because of foolish curiosity and concern. I was wrong because I was concerned and upset. That does not excuse my actions, however in some ways I am glad that it happened. I am glad because it made me realize what is most important to me, and help me finally understand what it is I have been feeling all along.

I wanted last night to be perfect, because I had the perfect evening planned. I was angry, upset, and devastated that everything I had planned came crashing down upon us. I wanted to express to you my deepest thoughts and emotions, however I simply managed to destroy everything I had worked so hard to build. It wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to you. The struggle I faced last night as you left, was possibly one of the hardest struggles and eye opening moments I have ever faced.

Megan, you see, there is something I have wanted to tell you for awhile now. Something I have feared to share with you due to a world of concerns. Concerns that you won’t feel the same way. Concerns that I might scare you away. Concerns that putting myself out there and objectifying myself vulnerability may break me once again. I cannot deny the feelings I have for you any longer. If fate really wants this to be, then you will understand what I am about to say. My hope is that your feelings will too match my own.

I often spent many nights wondering what this strange feeling was I have for you. I considered just plain joy, I considered content, and I considered happiness. The truth is, I have known all along what it has been and that feeling I have been experiencing for you is true.

Megan, my feelings for you are strong, and that scares the hell out of me. I have become attached to you, happy with you, and I cannot consider any other option. I want to have a future with you, as I cannot see one without you in it. Things may not have went according to plan, however now is the time to be true, I am in love with you.

-Chad

Born to Fly

Dear Everyone,

You were born to fly.

Often in my life when things start to look gloomy, I think of ways I can turn those events around. Sometimes planning is hard when bad times strike out of nowhere, but maybe that is a good thing. You can never truly be prepared for anything that happens in your life, but that brings me to my first point; if you cannot prepare for everything, why worry about areas you do plan for?

Perhaps you want to try to do something new in your life like moving away, finding a new job, continuing your education, or trying out a new hobby. The road ahead may be dark and unclear, but I believe you have more of an advantage there than just sitting around waiting for something bad to happen. Rather than allowing bad events to just pop up and take the better of you, why don’t you do that to them? Think of your new journey like driving in a car down a dark road. Although you cannot see everything, your headlights illuminate just enough for you to see to keep moving forward. Life is very similar in that you cannot always see too far ahead, but you can see just far enough…especially if you have planned for it.

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Best,

Chad

Stop what you are doing and read this!

Dear Whoever,

Today, we live a very busy lifestyle. We never truly take the time to stop and admire the things around us. I know myself, I have a lot of possessions that are very dear to me for various reasons.

WHAT IF ALL THOSE THINGS JUST WENT AWAY?

What if one day you woke up and POOF! Everything was suddenly gone forever! Your home is no more, your car is no more, your job is no more…you are left with absolutely nothing at all!

Last night, I was sent to YouTube via a very negative and controversial video. I watched the video and was horrified of the comments that I was seeing. When I looked over to the related videos, I came across a video interview with a homeless man. I’ll be the first to admit I had never been so upset in my life. This man was truly generous and so kind it blew my mind. Many that I have met in my lifetime that are more than fortunate were never near as polite as this gentleman. I then took advantage of my time and watched more videos of these very generous HUMAN BEINGS.

I have been trying to figure out a direction in my life’s work for quite some time and this is a group of people I want to support. Unless by choice, none of our own (nor anyone else in the world) should ever be left with nothing. I’m not saying to give handouts, but help these people get back on their feet! In some of the videos I came across, there were families with children living on the streets! How can we as human beings allow this to happen?

Here are some great videos I came across:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-j36_9xPGY – I’m not a Bum I am a human being

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PtZ50QDWL58 Great Poem

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8eNPAH46oI8 – PHD and Homeless

Don’t be so quick to judge the next person you meet, homeless or not. WE ARE ALL HUMAN BEINGS. We all make mistakes and we all get into trouble from time to time. We need to spend more time loving and appreciating each other rather than judging and belittling one another. Together we can help each other make this world a better place.

Best,

Chad