Struggle and Sleep

Dear Chad,

Struggle and Sleep, the constant that is my life. Every new day brings a great struggle as I again fight to stop over thinking. Fight to stop creating false realities and over analyzing every situation.

My thoughts are reoccurring and I can never find peace with them. I feel as if I am standing in a busy street and each thought it a person laughing and throwing something at me. No matter how much I struggle, I cannot find an opening in the crowd to escape. The only place I ever feel safe is in the comfort of good company. I find the most comfort in the company and arms of my girlfriend, however she cannot be my shadow.

I want things to get better because I know my poisonous mind is toxic to those around me. Toxic to the ones who love me and only want to help me. If I cannot change things, I feel like I am going to slowly start pushing people away from me, and if that happens…all hope will be lost.

I am going to try new things next week which will hopefully help me cause. I don’t know what has lead me to be like this; where the real trouble began. Every day I am exhausted, and I am missing out on life.

During the day I struggle and at night there is sleep, or lack there of. I spend many nights with my mind exploding with thoughts. Thoughts that keep me awake to early hours in the morning, or wake me up long before a good rest. The struggles of my day follow me into the night like some kind of monster that is put into my mind for the sole purpose of killing me slowly.

I have created this prison, I am the architect, however I do not know how to escape. I don’t remember the plans which built these walls, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find my way out. I’m lost in this puzzle of depression, false ideas, and self torture. I cannot handle what I cannot control, and I cannot (right now) control me.

I am afraid.

  • Chad
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What’s Wrong with Me?

Dear Whoever,

For starters, I can say that nothing is wrong with me, or you, or anyone else…or is there?

Let me tell you in one sentence about me. Are you ready? Okay, here is goes:

I am an over-thinking, mood swinging, OCD, easily worried introvert. Guess how long that took me to write…

Who is with me on this one? Does anyone else feel the same way? Let me explain a little on my current life situation, because it was not always this way for me. My life as a matter of fact was quite different in high school, so what the hell happened along the way?

1. Life Happens: Used to, I was completely fearless (except when  it came to girls). I could do anything in the world sub asking a girl on a date. I would drive fast, play with fire, and even drink soda nonstop. Over the years however, I have became more cautious, for example: I was driving fast on my way home one night when a large cow decided to walk in the road. Luckily, I did not hit the cow and obviously lived to tell the story. I now panic while going too fast, especially at night.

2. You want to get it right: If you overthink like I do, you already know the burden. I overthink everything! When I say everything, that is exactly what I mean too. Where to eat, where to go, what to do, who to call, what to write. What, who, when, where, seem to be my favorite words.

I will think many situations over and over again, trying to convince myself there was something I could have done…when things went wrong. I don’t take ANYTHING lightly, because in my mind, everything can’t always be simple. My mind is always running. I cannot stop it. Even at night while I dream, it is going a million miles per hour.

3. You carry too much: I carry with me a very heavy burden. I carry everything that has ever happened in my life, because I don’t know how to let go. I feel like I remember virtually everything and it often becomes overbearing. I still remember hurtful things that were said or happened over 20 years ago. I’m not talking about a few things here, I am talking about everything. EVERYTHING.

I am like one of those hoarders on T.V. I never get rid of anything. How the hell does one do this?

4. You let others control you: This section is dumb but well all do it. Rather you believe it or not, you do this. I’m going to use a little language here…don’t get offended you word virgin you….Fuck what everyone else things about you. That actually felt really good, you should try saying it too.

I have missed out on so many great experiences, opportunities, and life in general because I cared too much about other peoples perception of me. You want to know the real Chad? It will only take a moment:

THE REAL CHAD

By: Chad Thompson

I am a fan of alcohol. No lots of alcohol so I become numb to the world, however just the right amount. The right amount to lead to creativity. Unless I am in the presence of a lady. In that case, I need a lot of liquid courage the first time around.

I had my ears gauged and I would like to have them gauged again, but larger next time.

I have tattoos. I love them. I love them on me, I love them others, and I give no damns what you think.

I don’t like organized religion. I’m tired of hiding away from the world because of my lacking faith in religion. Why should I have to feel threatened and low and terrible because I don’t believe in what you do? I just want to live and be free and enjoy life. Religion doesn’t define me. It should not be your defining factor either. We have a lot of things that shape who we are, religion is just one.

I curse. I like cursing. I don’t see a problem with it, and I am becoming more and more accepting over it each year. I used to get embarrassed when friends would use curse words in public. Now, I’m right there with them.

I like girls. Although I support the gay movement, and same sex marriage….I am as straight as you can get. Everyone (I think) knows that I like the Boobs. No matter how much I love females, I am still terrified of them. To this day, I have only asked maybe two girls on a date to whom I was unsure of what they would say. Every other date or relationship I have been in, I was 100% sure the girls would say yes to me.

I support weed. Although I do not take part in any smoking activities, I do support the product. Let’s say I have been around the product at one time in my life, and I have no problems with it. My only problems are the wretched stench and horrid taste, but other than that….it’s not bad at all.

I could go on forever, but you most likely do not desire that. The point I wanted to make is this….That little segment up there is me. I own that. I am proud of that. That up there is just a few things that make me the kickass person I am. You have things like that in your life to make you the kickass person you are.

Maybe you love religion, hate weed, and like little earrings. That’s awesome! Because that is who you are!

Best Regards my friends,

Chad