Each day is a constant uphill battle. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t have much of a choice. I have great friends and family to aid me through tough times, however I don’t want to always rely on them and be a burden.
Most of my problems are the same cycles just recurring over and over, and I feel like sharing these same problems constantly with my supporters, will soon make them do away with me.
I don’t want someone to hate me or get tired of me because of my problem, so I often keep many emotions to myself. TICKING TIME BOMB.
It doesn’t take much to make an absolutely perfect day turn completely around. Even the smallest of things can trigger something in me and make me snap. When I do eventually break, it’s never good. The best way I can describe it is like a river running wild with only bad thoughts. Many of the thoughts are not even real, they are made up in my mind from existing thoughts.
Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is made up.
Sometimes the very people I love or look up to are the ones to trigger something in me. It could be simply stating something and my brain hearing what they say in the wrong way. Sometimes it is actions they make that trigger past memories or events and set me into a world of stress, sadness, and isolation. When the bad times come, I don’t know what to do with myself.
I often do things that are dumb to attempt making the bad time better, however it usually makes things worse.
I don’t want to be this way, but I am not the one flipping the switch.
Last night something happened that trigger past memories of mine and sent me down a deep dark spiral into oblivion. My mind rushed with horrible and terrible thoughts and lead me down a path of rage, anger, sadness, depression, confliction, and the list only goes on. I was mixing what was happening with what had happened.
I didn’t know what to do so I visited a friend and discussed my issues and concerns. I also went the extra mile and took a helping of sleeps aids and medication which did nothing for me. Half of me knew I had nothing to worry about, but the other half, my darker half just kept pulling me under.
Today I feel beaten, bruised, and defeated.
I try to remain optimistic of what the future will hold for me, but with these issues…I honestly do not know what the answer may be. I have to keep going one day at a time and hope things will get better.