All the Things I want to Say

I love you.

I love you whole heartedly and unconditionally. You have stolen my heart away from me and I only ask that you protect it. The good times are great, however the bad times are dark. I believe that I have feared in the wrong, however there is a fear that does exist.

There are so many factors in place and I am fearful of what may have to come. It’s not my desire, however I feel that it may be the only way to achieve happiness for us both. I don’t believe we are in the same spaces.

I believe that we are both stuck and dwelling in the past. We are concerned of past mistakes and problems and letting those issues interfere with us here and now. I have slowly overcome many of those things, however I believe you are still latched on to yours. I feel that I have tried everything in my power to be comforting, loving, and reassuring, however I don’t know if I ever can change your mind.

I want to be more than your love, I want to be your best friend. I want to be the one to help you, support you, and protect you, but only if you will let me. I feel that you are not ready for commitment and that you are only lying to yourself right now. I feel that you desire much more, and it’s hurtful, but it’s true. I see the way you spark when you talk about others. I see the excitement when you talk about things with others. I just want to feel those things when I am with you too.

I feel as if there is still a lot of feelings and misplaced attachment to previous engagements. I feel as if I can see into your mind and know exactly what you are feeling, because I believe I may be feeling some of it too. I feel as if we are in different places and you are not quite where I am right now. Rather the gap is small or large, the differences are strong.

I want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep at night. I want you to show me love and care to assure me this is all real. I want to be desired and I want to feel alive. There are times, when I don’t feel desired, such as a certain example. A certain example of a love that will never be, however one that is worth leaving me for. I can never tell you of these things because I want you to have feelings that are your own, not influenced by me.

I honestly feel that I am not as important to you as I should be. I feel as if I am just a temporary comfort to help you through some tough times. I believe that our wants and desires are similar, but not enough to be successful.

I truly love you and it is you I desire, but I don’t feel that the feelings are mutual.

Maybe I am wrong. I pray that I am wrong.

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My Life with Anxiety and Depression

Dear Chad,

Each day is a constant uphill battle. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t have much of a choice. I have great friends and family to aid me through tough times, however I don’t want to always rely on them and be a burden.

Most of my problems are the same cycles just recurring over and over, and I feel like sharing these same problems constantly with my supporters, will soon make them do away with me.

I don’t want someone to hate me or get tired of me because of my problem, so I often keep many emotions to myself. TICKING TIME BOMB.

It doesn’t take much to make an absolutely perfect day  turn completely around. Even the smallest of things can trigger something in me and make me snap. When I do eventually break, it’s never good. The best way I can describe it is like a river running wild with only bad thoughts. Many of the thoughts are not even real, they are made up in my mind from existing thoughts.

Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is made up.

Sometimes the very people I love or look up to are the ones to trigger something in me. It could be simply stating something and my brain hearing what they say in the wrong way. Sometimes it is actions they make that trigger past memories or events and set me into a world of stress, sadness, and isolation. When the bad times come, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I often do things that are dumb to attempt making the bad time better, however it usually makes things worse.

I don’t want to be this way, but I am not the one flipping the switch.

Last night something happened that trigger past memories of mine and sent me down a deep dark spiral into oblivion. My mind rushed with horrible and terrible thoughts and lead me down a path of rage, anger, sadness, depression, confliction, and the list only goes on. I was mixing what was happening with what had happened.

I didn’t know what to do so I visited a friend and discussed my issues and concerns. I also went the extra mile and took a helping of sleeps aids and medication which did nothing for me. Half of me knew I had nothing to worry about, but the other half, my darker half just kept pulling me under.

Today I feel beaten, bruised, and defeated. 

I try to remain optimistic of what the future will hold for me, but with these issues…I honestly do not know what the answer may be. I have to keep going one day at a time and hope things will get better.

  • Chad

Put Me to Sleep While I find a Cure

Dear Anyone,

I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting. I hate myself for having pity. I hate myself for making excuses. I hate myself for allowing the cycle to continue on.

I have no control.

Tonight I have played “The Lines” by Beartooth on constant repeat as I try to drown out the thoughts. So many thoughts that continue crossing back and forth in my mind. Thoughts keeping me awake.

I cannot take the struggle so I gave myself some aid, perhaps too much, to help with ease the pain. 

Everyday is a battle that never gets any easier.

I hate myself for not being able to stop it. I hate myself for poisoning others. I hate myself for not having a cure. I hate myself for not being in control. I hate myself for thinking this way.

How many chances do I get before my head explodes?
Where’s my comfort in the undefined
Please just try to read between the lines

What is the poison inside of me
The sickness in my head
Put me to sleep while I find a cure for the sickness in my head

  • Lyrics from “The Lines” by Beartooth

If I were a praying man, that’s what I would do, but I am not that man. I tried that life and everything was exactly the same, so I left that life behind. I don’t know what the future holds, but I sure as hell hope it gets better.

  • Chad

Words cannot express

Dear Whoever,

Words cannot express my current and ongoing state of emotion. There was a time in my life where I could feel however that ability is currently lost. This has been an ongoing occurrence for quite some time, and I don’t really know when it honestly ended. My belief is that a part of me died a few years ago and a part of me is gone forever, however I don’t want to believe that.

I feel like my life has been overtaken by a gang of misfits known as: anger, darkness, stress, fear, and doubt. There are times in my life where I experience happiness, but the good in life is very little now. I can recall a time only a few years ago where my levels of stress and twilight were small and my very aura was full of light.

I just don’t feel anything.

Most of the time, I just feel like an empty, hollow shell. I’m not sure if it is due to failures, a lack of belief in myself/abilities, a loss of hope or a combination of everything. My assumption is that years of distresses have built a wall in my mind where I am serving time in my own prison. By knowing that, I should be able to escape, but it’s as if I am in hiding. Now, the real question is, what is it I am hiding from?

I don’t even know what words to write at this very moment because my mind even feels blank. I’m at a loss and struggling, however I refuse to give up. I know the answers are out there, but I don’t know where to look.

When I think back to the times I was most happy, I realize what is now missing, however when I try to recreate those times, it only helps for a little while.

May I am just being delusional to myself now and I was never truly happy. Perhaps I have always been a walking complexity of poor choices and unhealthy mistakes, but I know that is not true.

I just want to stabilize.

Best,

Chad

And the City Will Burn

Dear Everyone,

I often sit alone in this desolate place and contemplate the life that has been laid before me. Not a life that has been given to me, but a life I myself have created and I am in disgust. Once I thought I had everything figured out, but far from the truth have I been. I’m out of time, out of answers, and out of directions. My only hope is to someday create a legacy that will change the world. I don’t foresee myself ever being a martyr, however I would like to one day be known as someone who made a difference. Perhaps that admiration is something we all cherish in some way or another.

I preach of love, aspiration, success and accomplishment; however tonight none of my strengths can shine through this darkness. No matter how much good I hold dear to me and how much white light shines through me, it is not powerful enough to overcome the burning pain of reality. Daily I feel worthless, let down, and unaccomplished…not by society, but by myself. I cannot continue down this path, but I feel as if I have run out of roads to choose from. I have traveled many paths for many years and cannot seem to find the one that works for me.

I know what I want, I have yearned for it for quite some time. I have fought battles and lost many wars, and I feel as if my career is over. No this isn’t metaphor for life, but perhaps the acceptance that I am meant for nothing more than being just another number. Maybe the years of disobedience and disobeying of what has been laid out in front of me for something more is something I need to accept instead of fight. I’m tired of fighting and advancing forward to only be thrown back once again.

My less than fortunate posting here tonight is not to bring anyone down or share feelings on my level. My post is simply thus:

1. NEVER let your emotions overcome your dreams as they have mine. Your mind is powerful, but you have to take control early. Too far gone do I feel I have become, however tomorrow is another day so there is still a brightly shining light.

2. When the going gets tough, keep pushing forward. No battle can be won by simply giving in. I have not given in, I just need to seek the comfort in good company.

3. Aim to not make mistakes and if you do, learn from them…become stronger…and come out a champion.

As for me at this moment: I’m lost, I’m alone, I’m without knowledge of where to go.

If you have taken the time to read this, I appreciate you. I really do mean that. I will keep working for a positive future and try new things, but as of right now, I have no clue where I am supposed to start.

Best,

Chad

Masquerade

Dear Whoever,

Have you ever wondered around acting as if everything is always okay, when it is actually isn’t? Have you pretended to be happy when in reality, you were not very happy at all? Perhaps you have pretended to know all of the answers, when you didn’t know any of them?

Today is one of those days for me. Yesterday was too.

Most days I am happy, some days I am ecstatic, a few days I am depressed, lost, and confused. Sometimes, it takes a lot to build up and keep strong the good days, while tiny actions can disrupt them. I’m not sure if it something we dream about at night that causes these bad days, but whatever it may be I don’t like it.

I get a lot of joy by helping others. It could be that my same love also kills me.

I often wear a mask to save myself from support and questions. The very factors I love to give are my least favorite to receive…are you this way too? I don’t know why. Personally, I would rather wear a mask to hide my true feelings, but you can see past that can’t you?

I really have no idea what I am saying right now. My mind is blank to everything except what I am typing at this very moment. It could be that I havn’t had enough of my morning coffee, or perhaps every emotion in my body has left me. Do you ever feel this way?

Blah.