The Ride of Life

Dear Chad,

Life is pretty crazy with what it can throw at you. Some days for me are the worst days of my life, while others couldn’t get any better…

Today is one of those days where I don’t believe things could get a whole lot better. I just kind of woke up this way, and I like it. The past couple of days were super rough, however that darkness has passed and I can rest easy until next time.

This is my life and it always has been. I don’t know what days will be good and what days will be bad. I never know when something will trigger my next dark journey, or how long those feelings will last. What I do know is when good days are here, I must enjoy them to the fullest. I try not to take them for granted when they come around, but instead embrace them and welcome them to stay.

I have amazing people in my life that care and understand about how crazy I can become at times, and when my mind is clear, I appreciate them. When my mind is dark, I feel for them.

Last night I spent a few hours with my wonderful girlfriend who really helps me through these things. She cares, she understands, and she is willing to help…even if she is the one that triggered my emotions. She helps me to keep my feet on the ground, and for that I am thankful.

I don’t like having dark days, but not matter what I try, nothing seems to be able to stop it. I try to always remain optimistic for the days ahead, but sometimes that seems damn well near impossible.

One of my biggest stresses I have been surrounded by the past three months was my job. I hated every minute of it. I dreaded going into work, I stressed the entire time I was there, and I always felt drained after leaving. Even on my days off, I just thought about having to eventually go back. Two days ago I decided to leave that place and go back to an old job that once made me happy. A job that keeps my mind busy and I enjoy doing.

I think with the support of my girlfriend, my friends, my family, and my job change…things will start to get better. Here is to being hopeful of a positive and bright future!

  • Chad
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My Life with Anxiety and Depression

Dear Chad,

Each day is a constant uphill battle. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t have much of a choice. I have great friends and family to aid me through tough times, however I don’t want to always rely on them and be a burden.

Most of my problems are the same cycles just recurring over and over, and I feel like sharing these same problems constantly with my supporters, will soon make them do away with me.

I don’t want someone to hate me or get tired of me because of my problem, so I often keep many emotions to myself. TICKING TIME BOMB.

It doesn’t take much to make an absolutely perfect day  turn completely around. Even the smallest of things can trigger something in me and make me snap. When I do eventually break, it’s never good. The best way I can describe it is like a river running wild with only bad thoughts. Many of the thoughts are not even real, they are made up in my mind from existing thoughts.

Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is made up.

Sometimes the very people I love or look up to are the ones to trigger something in me. It could be simply stating something and my brain hearing what they say in the wrong way. Sometimes it is actions they make that trigger past memories or events and set me into a world of stress, sadness, and isolation. When the bad times come, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I often do things that are dumb to attempt making the bad time better, however it usually makes things worse.

I don’t want to be this way, but I am not the one flipping the switch.

Last night something happened that trigger past memories of mine and sent me down a deep dark spiral into oblivion. My mind rushed with horrible and terrible thoughts and lead me down a path of rage, anger, sadness, depression, confliction, and the list only goes on. I was mixing what was happening with what had happened.

I didn’t know what to do so I visited a friend and discussed my issues and concerns. I also went the extra mile and took a helping of sleeps aids and medication which did nothing for me. Half of me knew I had nothing to worry about, but the other half, my darker half just kept pulling me under.

Today I feel beaten, bruised, and defeated. 

I try to remain optimistic of what the future will hold for me, but with these issues…I honestly do not know what the answer may be. I have to keep going one day at a time and hope things will get better.

  • Chad