Struggle and Sleep

Dear Chad,

Struggle and Sleep, the constant that is my life. Every new day brings a great struggle as I again fight to stop over thinking. Fight to stop creating false realities and over analyzing every situation.

My thoughts are reoccurring and I can never find peace with them. I feel as if I am standing in a busy street and each thought it a person laughing and throwing something at me. No matter how much I struggle, I cannot find an opening in the crowd to escape. The only place I ever feel safe is in the comfort of good company. I find the most comfort in the company and arms of my girlfriend, however she cannot be my shadow.

I want things to get better because I know my poisonous mind is toxic to those around me. Toxic to the ones who love me and only want to help me. If I cannot change things, I feel like I am going to slowly start pushing people away from me, and if that happens…all hope will be lost.

I am going to try new things next week which will hopefully help me cause. I don’t know what has lead me to be like this; where the real trouble began. Every day I am exhausted, and I am missing out on life.

During the day I struggle and at night there is sleep, or lack there of. I spend many nights with my mind exploding with thoughts. Thoughts that keep me awake to early hours in the morning, or wake me up long before a good rest. The struggles of my day follow me into the night like some kind of monster that is put into my mind for the sole purpose of killing me slowly.

I have created this prison, I am the architect, however I do not know how to escape. I don’t remember the plans which built these walls, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find my way out. I’m lost in this puzzle of depression, false ideas, and self torture. I cannot handle what I cannot control, and I cannot (right now) control me.

I am afraid.

  • Chad

My Darkest Days

Dear Whoever,

Like you, I understand the many struggles that depression and overthinking bring. I myself have plenty of bad days and the only way I have found to make it through is to keep pushing forward.

When my bad days come, they come from triggers which I do not control. When the light comes on, I quickly start running in circles because I am helpless, lost, and confused. I don’t know why I am this way, and if I could change it…I would.

I lived with dark thoughts of self hate and feelings of undesirable expression, and after awhile I finally sought out some help. As it turned out, for me, I have a chemical imbalance where my brain cannot create oxytocin fast enough to fight off the “bad stuff”. This often occurs when I have a lot of free time to think, I am alone, or something has “triggered” me.

ANYTHING can set me off and I typically do not see it coming. Many of my “episodes” do not gradually come up, the simply blindside me and leave my lying on the ground. I have no way to brace for impact and simple have to take the fall and wait as I heal.

It does help to have great friends, family, and a girlfriend who care a lot about me, but sometimes that is even not enough. Even though I have all of them and take medicine now to help with my problem, I still do in fact have bad days.

The fact is we all have bad days and there is no way to stop that. The important thing to remember is that you need to just keep moving forward and enjoy the good days for all they are worth!