Today, after facing some scrutiny, I at first became angry. For about the past year or so I have slowly been falling off the social radar. I used to be very outgoing, optimistic, and ambitious, however years of heartache, headache, and failed attempts, I had given up. I finally spent enough time wallowing in my own self darkness when an universal intervention finally came. This intervention began as a comment towards my expressed anxiety on a social media post from yesterday. At first I was angry and wanted to shout out loud, however I know I am stronger than that. I cannot help the way I feel about certain things, it is just who I am.
In order to calm myself down, I walked into another room and begin emitting my thoughts into words aloud to no one but myself. As I started expression equal concerns to the ones that were brought to my attention, I was suddenly awoken to the knowledge of why I am the way that I am today. I learned as to why I feel the way I do about certain things and act the way I do in certain situations.
Perhaps sharing the next bit of information is something I should keep either to myself or a close group, however how is that going to change the world? How will that help anyone else?
My relationship life over the past two or three years (I lost count) has been obsolete. It’s not that I do not desire a significant other in my life, it’s just I don’t feel I can handle one. My relationship life in the past has been full of many ups and downs. I have shared some of the greatest times in my life and the worst of ones as well. One of my greatest relationships took place over eleven years ago. This relationship was significant to me because it was my first major relationship where I can honestly say I was in love and my longest lasting. That relationship did something to me…
During that relationship, a seed was planted into my mind that everything was perfect. I saw the world in vivid colors while being able to enjoy nearly ever breath I took. I was going through many rough times in my life due to death, divorce, school, jobs, friends, and so much more, but that relationship seemed to be the bow holding everything together.
Everything was going perfectly, or so I thought. I had no idea that one day all great things would come to an end and the entire world would come crashing down on me. When it did, I did not see it coming, and I was nowhere near being prepared. The day the whole world did go away, nothing was left except me and a broken shell of what once was. Now all of those terrible events in my life that the relationship was protecting me from started kicking me as soon as I hit the ground.
I never recovered.
Although I did eventually make somewhat of closure with that relationship, I never recovered. To this day I am a broken mess when it comes to relationships. I don’t know if it is the fear that I might have to relive that tragic time in my life again or if I feel I am not worthy for a second cause. Either way, it’s something I need to work on and eventually overcome.
After my share of poor relationships that made me lose trust, I finally came across the perfect one. Little did I know, that would be the worst relationship of all. If you are confused at this point, let me explain…
The relationship I am speaking of was in fact PERFECT in every sense of the word. I was dating a very pretty girl who was fun to be around and also supported me as much as my own family. She was more than just my girlfriend, she was my dear friend, my sidekick, my rock, and my bow holding it altogether. Sadly for me, this felt all to familiar and I had to sever my own ties before I go in too deep. So many thoughts kept running through my head and I couldn’t keep up with the pace. I panicked and hit the ground running.
To protect those around me who have left me feeling the way I do today about things, I will have to leave out some details and change a few things, but today I learned a lot about WHY I am who I am.
Today I learned that many of the things I dislike, however have never really known why are because of other people and events I associate them with. From sporting events, to teams, to places, to names, and so on, I know why I dislike so many things. I used to think it was just because I was/am an asshole, but I learned there is more to it than that. It’s a psychological hold that runs deeper than my heart and mind, it runs straight to my subconscious. The reason I could never pin point the problem is because I was searching in the wrong place. Perhaps I buried these thoughts so far down many years ago hoping it would help me in the future, I had forgotten where I put them. Being grown up now and have experienced so much I knew I needed to face these issues rather than run from them. The only problem was, I couldn’t face what I couldn’t see. Now, I see clearly.
Personally, here is what I learned today. It is not so much as to facing these demons, as it is acknowledging them. Until today, I didn’t know where to look, what I was looking for, or what to face; now knowing what it was all along has surely helped.
I can’t say that I am 100% back to the “real” me, however I can say that I am on the right path. I havn’t know who I am for a long time now, but I can say that it will be a great reuniting.