Struggle and Sleep

Dear Chad,

Struggle and Sleep, the constant that is my life. Every new day brings a great struggle as I again fight to stop over thinking. Fight to stop creating false realities and over analyzing every situation.

My thoughts are reoccurring and I can never find peace with them. I feel as if I am standing in a busy street and each thought it a person laughing and throwing something at me. No matter how much I struggle, I cannot find an opening in the crowd to escape. The only place I ever feel safe is in the comfort of good company. I find the most comfort in the company and arms of my girlfriend, however she cannot be my shadow.

I want things to get better because I know my poisonous mind is toxic to those around me. Toxic to the ones who love me and only want to help me. If I cannot change things, I feel like I am going to slowly start pushing people away from me, and if that happens…all hope will be lost.

I am going to try new things next week which will hopefully help me cause. I don’t know what has lead me to be like this; where the real trouble began. Every day I am exhausted, and I am missing out on life.

During the day I struggle and at night there is sleep, or lack there of. I spend many nights with my mind exploding with thoughts. Thoughts that keep me awake to early hours in the morning, or wake me up long before a good rest. The struggles of my day follow me into the night like some kind of monster that is put into my mind for the sole purpose of killing me slowly.

I have created this prison, I am the architect, however I do not know how to escape. I don’t remember the plans which built these walls, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find my way out. I’m lost in this puzzle of depression, false ideas, and self torture. I cannot handle what I cannot control, and I cannot (right now) control me.

I am afraid.

  • Chad
Advertisements

Transcendence

Dear Chad,

 

For as long as I can remember my mind has been clouded. Too many thoughts working their way around like a blizzard in my head. It was all I could do to keep pushing forward in a hope to find civilization. To find sanity.

Today my mind is clear. I feel as if I have won the battle, but it feels so bittersweet. Although I don’t have flurries of thoughts compacting my mind, I also have little to no thoughts at all. It is quiet, and it is a quiet am not used to. I am relieved yes, but also weary.

I am now searching for all of the words that will make a difference. The correct choice of words that will not lead my astray. I ask myself, am I ever really lead astray? Perhaps I am always on the proper course, rather I know it or rather I like. I do not believe in chance. I do not believe in coincidence, but I believe that everything can be determined through connection.

There are countless odds and favors which do not put me where I am right now, however here I am. Any one choice or change made along the way and I would be in an entirely new place. So now I ask myself, why am I here? What is the purpose? Where am I going? Where will I go?

  • Chad

My Findings

Dear Anyone,

Today, after facing some scrutiny, I at first became angry. For about the past year or so I have slowly been falling off the social radar. I used to be very outgoing, optimistic, and ambitious, however years of heartache, headache, and failed attempts, I had given up. I finally spent enough time wallowing in my own self darkness when an universal intervention finally came. This intervention began as a comment towards my expressed anxiety on a social media post from yesterday. At first I was angry and wanted to shout out loud, however I know I am stronger than that. I cannot help the way I feel about certain things, it is just who I am.

In order to calm myself down, I walked into another room and begin emitting my thoughts into words aloud to no one but myself. As I started expression equal concerns to the ones that were brought to my attention, I was suddenly awoken to the knowledge of why I am the way that I am today. I learned as to why I feel the way I do about certain things and act the way I do in certain situations.

Perhaps sharing the next bit of information is something I should keep either to myself or a close group, however how is that going to change the world? How will that help anyone else?

Relationships

My relationship life over the past two or three years (I lost count) has been obsolete. It’s not that I do not desire a significant other in my life, it’s just I don’t feel I can handle one. My relationship life in the past has been full of many ups and downs. I have shared some of the greatest times in my life and the worst of ones as well. One of my greatest relationships took place over eleven years ago. This relationship was significant to me because it was my first major relationship where I can honestly say I was in love and my longest lasting. That relationship did something to me…

During that relationship, a seed was planted into my mind that everything was perfect. I saw the world in vivid colors while being able to enjoy nearly ever breath I took. I was going through many rough times in my life due to death, divorce, school, jobs, friends, and so much more, but that relationship seemed to be the bow holding everything together.

Everything was going perfectly, or so I thought. I had no idea that one day all great things would come to an end and the entire world would come crashing down on me. When it did, I did not see it coming, and I was nowhere near being prepared. The day the whole world did go away, nothing was left except me and a broken shell of what once was. Now all of those terrible events in my life that the relationship was protecting me from started kicking me as soon as I hit the ground.

I never recovered.

Although I did eventually make somewhat of closure with that relationship, I never recovered. To this day I am a broken mess when it comes to relationships. I don’t know if it is the fear that I might have to relive that tragic time in my life again or if I feel I am not worthy for a second cause. Either way, it’s something I need to work on and eventually overcome.

After my share of poor relationships that made me lose trust, I finally came across the perfect one. Little did I know, that would be the worst relationship of all. If you are confused at this point, let me explain…

The relationship I am speaking of was in fact PERFECT in every sense of the word. I was dating a very pretty girl who was fun to be around and also supported me as much as my own family. She was more than just my girlfriend, she was my dear friend, my sidekick, my rock, and my bow holding it altogether. Sadly for me, this felt all to familiar and I had to sever my own ties before I go in too deep. So many thoughts kept running through my head and I couldn’t keep up with the pace. I panicked and hit the ground running.

Events

To protect those around me who have left me feeling the way I do today about things, I will have to leave out some details and change a few things, but today I learned a lot about WHY I am who I am.

Today I learned that many of the things I dislike, however have never really known why are because of other people and events I associate them with. From sporting events, to teams, to places, to names, and so on, I know why I dislike so many things. I used to think it was just because I was/am an asshole, but I learned there is more to it than that. It’s a psychological hold that runs deeper than my heart and mind, it runs straight to my subconscious. The reason I could never pin point the problem is because I was searching in the wrong place. Perhaps I buried these thoughts so far down many years ago hoping it would help me in the future, I had forgotten where I put them. Being grown up now and have experienced so much I knew I needed to face these issues rather than run from them. The only problem was, I couldn’t face what I couldn’t see. Now, I see clearly.

Findings

Personally, here is what I learned today. It is not so much as to facing these demons, as it is acknowledging them. Until today, I didn’t know where to look, what I was looking for, or what to face; now knowing what it was all along has surely helped.

I can’t say that I am 100% back to the “real” me, however I can say that I am on the right path. I havn’t know who I am for a long time now, but I can say that it will be a great reuniting.

Best,

Chad

These Three Little Words

Dear Whoever,

I don’t think there has ever been anything in my life to haunt me as much as these three little words…Who are you? That was a question I was asked during an unexacting moment where a microphone was pushed to my face for a senior video in high school. Almost sure of the answer, I replied “I’m Chad”. “No! Who are you?” my friend asked again.

At this point I was completely confused and I think it was quite noticeable on my face. It seemed that no matter what answer I thought was right, my friend continued to inform me that I was incorrect. Finally my reply was “I am me?”

BINGO!

To this day, I still think about that moment and the conversation between my friend and I. Also to this day, I don’t know how to answer that question. Of course I am me, however who is me? Let’s break this down a little bit and see where we can go…or at least see how far I have gotten.

Instead of saying “I am me”, let’s use some other descriptions that we typically use:

I am Chad. Yes, true I am Chad, however that isn’t “who I am”, that is simply my name. NOT who I am.

I am a Photographer. Hit the nail on the head again. I do in fact do photography, but that is also not who I am. It is what I do.

I am a Creative Thinker. Again this is something I do, not who I am. Let’s dig deeper.

I am a son. Now we are starting to get somewhere. This is something more than what I do, this is a part of what I am.

Let me list some things I am.

A Son, A Human Being, A Unique Individual, A Cousin, A Grandson, A Nephew.

Here’s the problem with that list. True, those are all a part of who I am, however it isn’t who I am. So that leads me back to those three little haunting words. Who are you?

My response all these years are three even scarier words…I Don’t Know.

Best.

Sail

Maybe I’m a different breed. It is in that thought that I find myself comforting. I don’t know how to show my love because I no longer know how to feel. It’s as if I am an empty shell left here just to wander and never truly evolve. I have always believed that there is good comfort in company, however even in those situational moments I still feel lost, dark, and alone.

Once I was an avid believer of hope and prosperity through strength, hard work, and determination, however it is now hard to see that. The whole entire world around me has become clouded and blurry. Even simple daily tasks have become near impossible for me. I feel as if I can somewhat see to the other side, however it is too hard to make out the fine details. Is everything there really better or will I still yet be surrounded by a glooming world of dismay?

16737569732_416d8cfca7_kThis is how I feel to the world. I believe that I am here but it is so hard to see I don’t feel it. This is why sleep has become so addicting because it allows me to feel again. When I dream, I dream lucidly and vividly as if my dreams have become my own realities. Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between what is real and what is not.

If I could only pinpoint the problem(s) that caused this empty and delusional state, I may stand a fighting chance at fixing it, but until then I’m open for options.

Perhaps I have set my standards too high. Perhaps trying to make a difference in the world is something out of my league, or perhaps I just have not pushed far enough yet.

The only problem with continuing forward in my journey to find happiness, balance and composure is I don’t what else I will loose. What else I am willing to loose. It feels as if I have pushed everything and everyone so far away from me that maybe, I don’t have anything else to loose. Maybe continuing down this path is the only thing I have left to look forward to. As accomplished as I have been in the past, none of that matters to where I am now or where I am going because as of right now, I am going nowhere. I simply remain here, stagnant, because I nor the world know where I am meant to be.

– Chad

Simple tasks must be complex

Dear Anyone,

I’m not sure if your brain works in a difficult manner like mine, however sometimes the simplest tasks are always the hardest for me. I don’t know why, but I find ease in the comfort of complexity. When it comes to simplicity, my brain cannot handle the ease of the task or situation. I believe I must be so used to learning and competing difficult things, I no longer believe that things can be oh so easy. Aside from the belief, some things are just plain hard. I have comprised a list of some very simple tasks that are often challenging for me:

1. Returning a text message. Often when I get text messages, I am either in the middle of something or just do not want to reply right away. It’s not that I am trying to avoid the person, it is just I don’t feel like talking at the time. I usually tell myself that I will message them back later, but sometimes later is two or three days. I wasn’t always like this. I used to be a communication machine rather it was texting, instant messaging, or talking on the phone.

2. Ordering Something Different. Usually the first thing I try at a restaurant is what I order all the time from that establishment. It’s hard for me to try something new because I feel comfortable with what I enjoy. Let’s take Starbucks for example…I don’t go to Starbucks often (I actually don’t remember the last time I went) but I have only ever ordered one drink from there, and never plan on trying something new. Not that this is a bad thing, but sometimes expanding your options can be great, even if it is just food.

3. Being the first to talk to someone new. This is something I have always had a problem with and is most likely one of the core reasons I have always felt uncomfortable at parties. I cannot approach someone new. I can talk to someone after they break the ice, but I myself have never been an icebreaker. This also closely relates to my non-ability to ask a girl out on a date. The only girls I have ever went for with maybe on exception I only asked them out because I knew they were interested in me and would say yes. Although the dating situation is more about rejection than anything, I really wish I could be strong enough to be the first to converse with someone else.

*Side note – I am very comfortable in large groups. Let’s say you put me on a stage in front of 10,000 people. I would feel a lot more comfortable there than doing a speech in front of a group of about ten.

4. Showing affection and cuteness. For some strange reason, I have trouble expression affectionate and polite emotions sometimes. When a friend does something nice for me, I really do appreciate it and I do say thank you, but for some reason it is not so easy. I guess it is because I don’t find it necessary. I don’t mind someone not saying thank you because I know that they are appreciative. It is also difficult for me to express feelings of love outside of a relationship. For some reason it is hard for me to tell family members “I love you” and to give hugs. In a relationship, it is not a problem at all, but with family it is really hard. I do in fact love my family members, I have no clue why it is such a burden to say “I love you”.

I also don’t like to be associated with cute. I can’t stand the feeling of holding a baby or playing with a puppy and someone says “awww how cute”. Don’t ask me why on this one because I cannot explain it. Just the thought of someone thinking how “cute” my situation is makes me feel really weird.

Sadly I am going to have to stop after just four topics, however I do plan to add more topics later. Unfortunately I have a new job that I feel uncomfortable about that I must attend to in the next few minutes. That will be a whole topic of its own tomorrow. I hope that by sharing this post, you may have similar thought processes or experiences to mine. Perhaps together we can share insight and tips to ride ourselves of this small but powerful burdens in order to live a happier and easier lifestyle.

Have a great day!

– Chad

Unexplained

Dear Chad:

Often comes times when the very meaning of your emotion cannot be explained. Sometimes factors beyond your control cause feelings of distress and you cannot pinpoint their origins. Always one step ahead of you, you cannot quite put your finger on the mindset at hand.

Dear Whoever:

I can’t express how wondrous I feel at times, and at others…for no reason at all, I feel lost. How can times be so joyous and without notice disrupt into oblivion? I just don’t understand…

Dear Chad:

Lay your weary heart to rest my old friend. Don’t let the troubles beyond your grounds of care trouble you. Know that the real truth lies within, for you have the ability to take control of the situation at hand. Do you really fear the unknown, or are you in a state of denial that you could have avoided altogether.

Dear Whoever:

Perhaps I do know the cause, what of it then? How I can change the unchangeable?

Dear Chad:

You must not dwell on the past mistakes, but take comfort on your control for the future. Words speak softly, thoughts remain stagnant, and actions speak loudly and vividly.