Transcendence

Dear Chad,

 

For as long as I can remember my mind has been clouded. Too many thoughts working their way around like a blizzard in my head. It was all I could do to keep pushing forward in a hope to find civilization. To find sanity.

Today my mind is clear. I feel as if I have won the battle, but it feels so bittersweet. Although I don’t have flurries of thoughts compacting my mind, I also have little to no thoughts at all. It is quiet, and it is a quiet am not used to. I am relieved yes, but also weary.

I am now searching for all of the words that will make a difference. The correct choice of words that will not lead my astray. I ask myself, am I ever really lead astray? Perhaps I am always on the proper course, rather I know it or rather I like. I do not believe in chance. I do not believe in coincidence, but I believe that everything can be determined through connection.

There are countless odds and favors which do not put me where I am right now, however here I am. Any one choice or change made along the way and I would be in an entirely new place. So now I ask myself, why am I here? What is the purpose? Where am I going? Where will I go?

  • Chad
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These Three Little Words

Dear Whoever,

I don’t think there has ever been anything in my life to haunt me as much as these three little words…Who are you? That was a question I was asked during an unexacting moment where a microphone was pushed to my face for a senior video in high school. Almost sure of the answer, I replied “I’m Chad”. “No! Who are you?” my friend asked again.

At this point I was completely confused and I think it was quite noticeable on my face. It seemed that no matter what answer I thought was right, my friend continued to inform me that I was incorrect. Finally my reply was “I am me?”

BINGO!

To this day, I still think about that moment and the conversation between my friend and I. Also to this day, I don’t know how to answer that question. Of course I am me, however who is me? Let’s break this down a little bit and see where we can go…or at least see how far I have gotten.

Instead of saying “I am me”, let’s use some other descriptions that we typically use:

I am Chad. Yes, true I am Chad, however that isn’t “who I am”, that is simply my name. NOT who I am.

I am a Photographer. Hit the nail on the head again. I do in fact do photography, but that is also not who I am. It is what I do.

I am a Creative Thinker. Again this is something I do, not who I am. Let’s dig deeper.

I am a son. Now we are starting to get somewhere. This is something more than what I do, this is a part of what I am.

Let me list some things I am.

A Son, A Human Being, A Unique Individual, A Cousin, A Grandson, A Nephew.

Here’s the problem with that list. True, those are all a part of who I am, however it isn’t who I am. So that leads me back to those three little haunting words. Who are you?

My response all these years are three even scarier words…I Don’t Know.

Best.