All the Things I want to Say

I love you.

I love you whole heartedly and unconditionally. You have stolen my heart away from me and I only ask that you protect it. The good times are great, however the bad times are dark. I believe that I have feared in the wrong, however there is a fear that does exist.

There are so many factors in place and I am fearful of what may have to come. It’s not my desire, however I feel that it may be the only way to achieve happiness for us both. I don’t believe we are in the same spaces.

I believe that we are both stuck and dwelling in the past. We are concerned of past mistakes and problems and letting those issues interfere with us here and now. I have slowly overcome many of those things, however I believe you are still latched on to yours. I feel that I have tried everything in my power to be comforting, loving, and reassuring, however I don’t know if I ever can change your mind.

I want to be more than your love, I want to be your best friend. I want to be the one to help you, support you, and protect you, but only if you will let me. I feel that you are not ready for commitment and that you are only lying to yourself right now. I feel that you desire much more, and it’s hurtful, but it’s true. I see the way you spark when you talk about others. I see the excitement when you talk about things with others. I just want to feel those things when I am with you too.

I feel as if there is still a lot of feelings and misplaced attachment to previous engagements. I feel as if I can see into your mind and know exactly what you are feeling, because I believe I may be feeling some of it too. I feel as if we are in different places and you are not quite where I am right now. Rather the gap is small or large, the differences are strong.

I want to be the first thing on your mind when you wake up and the last thing on your mind before you fall asleep at night. I want you to show me love and care to assure me this is all real. I want to be desired and I want to feel alive. There are times, when I don’t feel desired, such as a certain example. A certain example of a love that will never be, however one that is worth leaving me for. I can never tell you of these things because I want you to have feelings that are your own, not influenced by me.

I honestly feel that I am not as important to you as I should be. I feel as if I am just a temporary comfort to help you through some tough times. I believe that our wants and desires are similar, but not enough to be successful.

I truly love you and it is you I desire, but I don’t feel that the feelings are mutual.

Maybe I am wrong. I pray that I am wrong.

Same Space

I’m traveling down a highway at a scary fast pace. I can see the road ahead of me and I’ll have to make a choice of direction to go. The road isn’t straight and narrow anymore, but wide and full of choices.

I’m torn.

I’m torn between the two directions I can take. I am torn because half of me desires one path, while half of me believes the other path would be better…

Turning Left.

If I turn left, my life will be full of unknown ups and downs. The good times will be great, however the bad times will be dark. I will be pulled in many directions until I believe I will reach the point where my body and soul cannot stretch anymore.

Even with the unfortunate company of darkness, this path too is full of light. This path is mixed with love, care, concern, and support, however I do not know if it will be enough. I don’t believe the forces down this path are where they need to be for things to run smoothly. I don’t believe the external forces and myself are in the same place just yet.

Turning Right.

This choice of turn will be a difficult one at that. It will be difficult because this turn will change everything. Everything that has been conformed to this point will be lost, and that terrifies me. I’ll have to start anew and rebuild after the demolition. I’m scared to rebuild again. I’m not so convinced I will ever be able to restart successfully. I feel like my times at doing so are getting low, if even existent anymore at all.

What I desire. 

I desire a life where I can be constantly happy. I desire a job where I can make enough, while also enjoying my time. I want someone to share my time with. Someone who is passionate, caring, and on the same page. I desire a life full of love, care, happiness, and as stress free as possible.

I believe I know deep down all the things I need to do in order to achieve this happiness, even if the choices are not what I am ready for. I suppose I don’t have to be ready, I just need to be willing.

  • Chad

 

Struggle and Sleep

Dear Chad,

Struggle and Sleep, the constant that is my life. Every new day brings a great struggle as I again fight to stop over thinking. Fight to stop creating false realities and over analyzing every situation.

My thoughts are reoccurring and I can never find peace with them. I feel as if I am standing in a busy street and each thought it a person laughing and throwing something at me. No matter how much I struggle, I cannot find an opening in the crowd to escape. The only place I ever feel safe is in the comfort of good company. I find the most comfort in the company and arms of my girlfriend, however she cannot be my shadow.

I want things to get better because I know my poisonous mind is toxic to those around me. Toxic to the ones who love me and only want to help me. If I cannot change things, I feel like I am going to slowly start pushing people away from me, and if that happens…all hope will be lost.

I am going to try new things next week which will hopefully help me cause. I don’t know what has lead me to be like this; where the real trouble began. Every day I am exhausted, and I am missing out on life.

During the day I struggle and at night there is sleep, or lack there of. I spend many nights with my mind exploding with thoughts. Thoughts that keep me awake to early hours in the morning, or wake me up long before a good rest. The struggles of my day follow me into the night like some kind of monster that is put into my mind for the sole purpose of killing me slowly.

I have created this prison, I am the architect, however I do not know how to escape. I don’t remember the plans which built these walls, but I’ll be damned if I don’t find my way out. I’m lost in this puzzle of depression, false ideas, and self torture. I cannot handle what I cannot control, and I cannot (right now) control me.

I am afraid.

  • Chad

Oh, Hello There

Dear Megan,

From the moment I met you, I felt something for you. Before I even knew you, I felt that there would be something between us.

I felt ill the entire day leading up to meeting you in person for the first time. I was full of jitters, nervous emotions, and joy. I remember that day as if it was yesterday…

I had been anticipating meeting you for quite awhile after your friend told me about you. She had nothing but great things to say, and I was intrigued. Finally the day quickly approached that we were to meet and go out for the first time.

When you finally arrived at my friends house and I heard to doorbell ring, my heart sunk and I went into a nervous frenzy. I was asking so many questions because I was both nervous and excited to meet you. I didn’t know what to do, so I ran into the bathroom to splash some water on my face and remind myself that this was real. I was going to meet you and I had nothing to worry about.

I knew that I would have to come out and meet you so I took a deep breath, walked out the door, and there you were. There was this beautiful young lady standing right there in front of me. You had your back to my direction, so eye contact wasn’t instant. I was so nervous to see you turn around and face me, but when you did, I was struck with awe. You were even more beautiful than your photos depicted, and this made it even harder on me.

The first half of the date was fun, but I knew it wasn’t going smoothly because of my nerves. My only hope was that I wasn’t completely ruining everything because, I was into you. I was into what I knew about you, I was into your looks, I was into your soft and sweet voice, I was into getting to know more about you.

When we arrived back at my friends so you could leave and get to your game, I was both happy that I got to finally spend time with you, and sad that time was being cut short. I longed for more time with you. When I walked with you out to the car, I didn’t want the moment to end. I was instantly hooked on you.

There you stood in my friends driveway smiling at me. That was the moment I knew. Something sparked inside of me and that was the moment I felt it. Call it what you will, but at that moment I felt something with you that I have never felt for anyone before. When you asked me to come to your game, I felt upmost joy and could not resist coming to see and support you.

I remember being at your game and during your break you thanked me for coming, but the only thing that crossed my mind was thank you for inviting me. After the game, I wanted more time with you and fate provided just that. The next few hours spent getting to know you a little better while, just talking amongst friends was better than what I could have expected.

As the night was coming to a close, I was so nervous to kiss you. I was nervous that you didn’t feel what I felt, and may perhaps never want anything to do with me again. It was hard to muster up the courage, but finally I did. It was at that moment our lips connected that my interest for you deepened. It was that first kiss that I will never forget.

Over the next few months I spent time getting to know you and trying to figure out all of these new feelings. I had been in relationships in the past, some pretty serious, however I never felt something like this with anyone else. On February 10, 2016, we finally took the step into something serious. That was the best choice I have ever made.

The past few months have been some of the happiest of my entire life. I feel something with you that I have never felt, and it is perhaps the greatest feeling that has ever crossed me. I feel it each and every single day and it only grows stronger.

Last night I felt that I put everything in jeopardy because of foolish curiosity and concern. I was wrong because I was concerned and upset. That does not excuse my actions, however in some ways I am glad that it happened. I am glad because it made me realize what is most important to me, and help me finally understand what it is I have been feeling all along.

I wanted last night to be perfect, because I had the perfect evening planned. I was angry, upset, and devastated that everything I had planned came crashing down upon us. I wanted to express to you my deepest thoughts and emotions, however I simply managed to destroy everything I had worked so hard to build. It wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to you. The struggle I faced last night as you left, was possibly one of the hardest struggles and eye opening moments I have ever faced.

Megan, you see, there is something I have wanted to tell you for awhile now. Something I have feared to share with you due to a world of concerns. Concerns that you won’t feel the same way. Concerns that I might scare you away. Concerns that putting myself out there and objectifying myself vulnerability may break me once again. I cannot deny the feelings I have for you any longer. If fate really wants this to be, then you will understand what I am about to say. My hope is that your feelings will too match my own.

I often spent many nights wondering what this strange feeling was I have for you. I considered just plain joy, I considered content, and I considered happiness. The truth is, I have known all along what it has been and that feeling I have been experiencing for you is true.

Megan, my feelings for you are strong, and that scares the hell out of me. I have become attached to you, happy with you, and I cannot consider any other option. I want to have a future with you, as I cannot see one without you in it. Things may not have went according to plan, however now is the time to be true, I am in love with you.

-Chad

Transcendence

Dear Chad,

 

For as long as I can remember my mind has been clouded. Too many thoughts working their way around like a blizzard in my head. It was all I could do to keep pushing forward in a hope to find civilization. To find sanity.

Today my mind is clear. I feel as if I have won the battle, but it feels so bittersweet. Although I don’t have flurries of thoughts compacting my mind, I also have little to no thoughts at all. It is quiet, and it is a quiet am not used to. I am relieved yes, but also weary.

I am now searching for all of the words that will make a difference. The correct choice of words that will not lead my astray. I ask myself, am I ever really lead astray? Perhaps I am always on the proper course, rather I know it or rather I like. I do not believe in chance. I do not believe in coincidence, but I believe that everything can be determined through connection.

There are countless odds and favors which do not put me where I am right now, however here I am. Any one choice or change made along the way and I would be in an entirely new place. So now I ask myself, why am I here? What is the purpose? Where am I going? Where will I go?

  • Chad

The Ride of Life

Dear Chad,

Life is pretty crazy with what it can throw at you. Some days for me are the worst days of my life, while others couldn’t get any better…

Today is one of those days where I don’t believe things could get a whole lot better. I just kind of woke up this way, and I like it. The past couple of days were super rough, however that darkness has passed and I can rest easy until next time.

This is my life and it always has been. I don’t know what days will be good and what days will be bad. I never know when something will trigger my next dark journey, or how long those feelings will last. What I do know is when good days are here, I must enjoy them to the fullest. I try not to take them for granted when they come around, but instead embrace them and welcome them to stay.

I have amazing people in my life that care and understand about how crazy I can become at times, and when my mind is clear, I appreciate them. When my mind is dark, I feel for them.

Last night I spent a few hours with my wonderful girlfriend who really helps me through these things. She cares, she understands, and she is willing to help…even if she is the one that triggered my emotions. She helps me to keep my feet on the ground, and for that I am thankful.

I don’t like having dark days, but not matter what I try, nothing seems to be able to stop it. I try to always remain optimistic for the days ahead, but sometimes that seems damn well near impossible.

One of my biggest stresses I have been surrounded by the past three months was my job. I hated every minute of it. I dreaded going into work, I stressed the entire time I was there, and I always felt drained after leaving. Even on my days off, I just thought about having to eventually go back. Two days ago I decided to leave that place and go back to an old job that once made me happy. A job that keeps my mind busy and I enjoy doing.

I think with the support of my girlfriend, my friends, my family, and my job change…things will start to get better. Here is to being hopeful of a positive and bright future!

  • Chad

My Life with Anxiety and Depression

Dear Chad,

Each day is a constant uphill battle. It has been this way for me as long as I can remember. I don’t like being this way, but I also don’t have much of a choice. I have great friends and family to aid me through tough times, however I don’t want to always rely on them and be a burden.

Most of my problems are the same cycles just recurring over and over, and I feel like sharing these same problems constantly with my supporters, will soon make them do away with me.

I don’t want someone to hate me or get tired of me because of my problem, so I often keep many emotions to myself. TICKING TIME BOMB.

It doesn’t take much to make an absolutely perfect day  turn completely around. Even the smallest of things can trigger something in me and make me snap. When I do eventually break, it’s never good. The best way I can describe it is like a river running wild with only bad thoughts. Many of the thoughts are not even real, they are made up in my mind from existing thoughts.

Sometimes I cannot tell the difference between what is true and what is made up.

Sometimes the very people I love or look up to are the ones to trigger something in me. It could be simply stating something and my brain hearing what they say in the wrong way. Sometimes it is actions they make that trigger past memories or events and set me into a world of stress, sadness, and isolation. When the bad times come, I don’t know what to do with myself.

I often do things that are dumb to attempt making the bad time better, however it usually makes things worse.

I don’t want to be this way, but I am not the one flipping the switch.

Last night something happened that trigger past memories of mine and sent me down a deep dark spiral into oblivion. My mind rushed with horrible and terrible thoughts and lead me down a path of rage, anger, sadness, depression, confliction, and the list only goes on. I was mixing what was happening with what had happened.

I didn’t know what to do so I visited a friend and discussed my issues and concerns. I also went the extra mile and took a helping of sleeps aids and medication which did nothing for me. Half of me knew I had nothing to worry about, but the other half, my darker half just kept pulling me under.

Today I feel beaten, bruised, and defeated. 

I try to remain optimistic of what the future will hold for me, but with these issues…I honestly do not know what the answer may be. I have to keep going one day at a time and hope things will get better.

  • Chad